Oh I Didn’t See You There…

Oh I didn't

It’s going to get dark again, even if the sun is shining I know what I’m in for. Staring into nowhere with a sense of hopelessness and despair that seems to have no end at the time. So you’re back, you’ve returned with your sticky, clingy sadness I must wear as a shawl. It’s a shawl made of all my wrong-doings, lost dreams, failed relationships, and a frightening anxiety about the future. It weighs a tonne and I struggle to sit up in bed with it on, or get out of bed, or brush my teeth or my hair…you weigh me down, Depression.

I didn’t know I was feeling so bad until I was in the kitchen making myself a coffee…I had been thinking negatively, granted. And the cold of winter doesn’t make it easy either so the future looks grim with the situation I’m in. This is the exact time the Shawl of Depression draped herself securely around me so I had to drag myself sadly and tearfully back to my bed. I see the sky, the sun, the birds, the beauty – the beauty in everything but me and my life. Then I tell myself off for being so ungrateful and get angry at the things that stop me being who I want to be. My anger covers the fear and anxiety. I would rather be angry than scared. It’s a long process to get to angry. It’s a long, unseen, unknown process that puts me there in the first place though.

I lie facing the wall. I don’t want to look at beautiful things. My eyes are open, I’m not moving though – my breathing hasn’t changed, it’s still, rhythmical and the tears just seem to fall out of my eyes endlessly. No noise, no change, nothing – just a waterfall coming out of my face that seems like it won’t let up. I don’t understand the grief or the sadness. Perhaps it is the broken me saying goodbye to the real me but refusing to let me go… In a little bit I will sit up and write about this. It’s crippling and yet I know I have to ride this out. I know I should take a good look at those feelings but I’m just too angry at the moment…

Kait King 2017

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13 thoughts on “Oh I Didn’t See You There…

  1. We all have dark places we go at times…I think. I hope you have found your happy place tonight. Tomorrow look at the sunshine, breathe in the fresh spring air, and listen to the music of the birds that sing. Smile and I will smile with you. Your story was very touching.

    Liked by 2 people

    • Thank you, and yes we all do. Some just have darker places than others! 😉It’s not easy being so personal but at least I know I’m not alone and neither are others 😊 Peace, love n light to you and thank you again for your kind words.

      Liked by 1 person

  2. I know how it felt to write this. I hope the shawl has fallen off by now. ❤️ your words are beautiful, but I’m sorry that you can write them. Stay well kait. Love and light to you!!

    Maybe my mantra will help: as I am supported by the earth, I am supported by the Universe ❤️

    Liked by 2 people

    • Thanks so much 💟 You know what it’s like… Good and bad and often times than not, real ugly🤐 But I love your mantra 😀 and attempt to hand it up to the Universe! ☺ Wise words indeed xx thank you and blessings ❤

      Like

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