My Journey with Suicide

Attempt #1

I was two weeks off my 13th birthday – so yeah, I was 12 years old when this happened to me.  We lived in South Africa at the time when I was raped, by a 27 year old American man that I sort of knew.  That was the first time I thought about killing myself.  

I was still thoughtful although quite serious about ending the agony and shame.  I couldn’t look at my Mum and Dad the same way – something had changed in me and I wasn’t their lovely little girl anymore.  I was damaged, tarnished, broken, tainted – I was dirty and undeserving.  I couldn’t stop thinking about what had happened and how little control I had had over anything that happened to me.  

I couldn’t live with that uncertainty at that age.  I didn’t want to live a fearful, doubting life! I had been, and should have still been, a carefree, happy twelve year old who loved horses.  Now I held secrets, anger, fear and hate.  My horse was my savior. I would cry into his mane all the time, feeling so hopeless. We would go for rides for ages or I would just lie on him, or with him, while he grazed in his paddock.  He was the only one who knew what happened.  And it ate me up.

That was the first time I contemplated suicide.  I will tell you how I tried sometime, but that’s another story.

A Survivor

17 thoughts on “My Journey with Suicide

  1. ❤️Hugs❤️you speak my language. Don’t give up on life. It’s the only thing no one can take from you unless they committed murder. When you get to my age you realise how precious each day becomes. My five year old son saved my life when he climbed into my bed, wrapped his arms around me and told me how much he loved me. I had just taken an overdose. I rushed to the bathroom and threw up. The next day I went to my doctor and I asked to be put in contact with someone I could talk to, I didn’t want more pills.
    This year my son gets married. Find something important in your life and focused on that. Life is easy but sometimes we have to create our own sunshine to see us through our dark day. ❤️

    Liked by 1 person

    • Thank you so much for sharing your story too. Yes, this happened when I was 12. I never should have had to feel that desperate hopelessness at that age. But in spite of what happened I became a stronger, more outspoken woman. Life is what you make it. Happy or miserable, you can change how you see things and do more than just survive, hiding in shadows of self pity, which you’re totally entitled to, but it doesn’t help your situation 😊Peace, love n light to you 🕊🦋 Family is everything!(my son, too has saved me from myself several times)❤

      Liked by 1 person

  2. Powerful stuff. Your courage, resilience and love pulled you through. I hope in the darkness of this real life experience, there is light and laughter, which are also your strengths in coping with adversity.

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    • Thank you 🙏🌻😘 These are the things that shape us. And at one time, I would never ever have thought I could speak or write about suicide and rape. I feel a sense of healing, like the typed letters are stitches on my soul, putting me back together! Peace, Love n Light x

      Liked by 2 people

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