I don’t know why…

I don’t know why we don’t talk about suicide more, well actually I do. Eventhough history has shown us that the more we talk about something, the more we are educated and made aware of that anomaly and how to handle or cope with it.

As with sexuality and religion, we have gained so much because people stopped being afraid to talk. Certain things are no longer taboo or floating amongst the unmentionables.

Talking about suicide is not easy but it is necessary in order for us to gain knowledge and understanding. Suicide needs to be brought into focus and addressed, not hidden, shamed and blamed.

Suicide has such a giant stigma attached to it, in fact, several. One being the feeling of failure and hopelessness as a parent or someone who was close to the person. The feeling that you failed them completely. Your job was to protect your kid, know everything about your friend, keep them safe…we didn’t do that , we failed. We weren’t enough for them to stay in this world with us and go through it with us. Didn’t they know that we would’ve done anything for them? Didn’t they know they could talk to us? Didn’t they know that we wouldn’t judge them or make fun of them? Why didn’t they know that or feel that? How did we fail so badly to not let that person know how much we loved and needed them, how important they were in our world, how different life is without them and instead having to live with the guilt and doubt. It’s heavy, the burden weighs like a black hole in outer space…

Then there is the shame that goes with being the parent of a child or the partner/husband/wife who has committed suicide. Shame is different to guilt. Shame is the sadness I feel at not being able to correct something that was wrong and I should have. Guilt is the feeling of being responsible for the end result. Neither one of those feelings may be validated in real life, but now that someone has taken their life, it changes those left behind.

There is the question of why, which never goes away. The wonder, the wishing, the ache that it could just change back to when you were here, and alive – it never goes – that wonder, that ache…

A Survivor

13 thoughts on “I don’t know why…

  1. Tragedies happen when one couldn’t get any help when desperate. When someone tells us that he/she wanna commit suicide, there’s no time to wait to do something about it. It happened to my sister who jumped from a high rise building when she’s only young. Many ended their lives because of different reasons. Those with mental illness or who are suffering with relentless physical pain and torture are among the high risk group. x

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  2. I’m so haunted by a friend’s suicide 10 years ago. You never get over the shock of it. We were close once but were out of touch for 15 years. He contacted me while he was going through a move, a divorce, a bitter custody battle AND starting a new job. We were back in touch by phone for about 6 months and would debrief IT ALL for multi-hour weekly sessions, but I’m not a therapist and he wasn’t seeing one. I didn’t hear from him for a while and then got a call from his mother with the terrible news. You’re so right about the whole suite of guilty feelings (that I feel for my platonic friend, I can’t even imagine how it would feel for a parent or partner). Here’s the saddest thing: I avoid remembering him at ALL – even the good, happy memories – because my memories are so intertwined with these feelings of failing him as a decent friend. How did I never see it coming with those long talks? Maybe if I hadn’t had a migraine the last time he called, he wouldn’t have done it. I don’t think these people have any idea how much they’re missed. I agree this is a topic we can’t afford to consider taboo any longer.

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    • Oh Jennifer, I’m so sorry to hear that….it does stay with us and it’s a bloody hard road to be on. But I want to thank you for sharing this. We know it’s not easy to speak on, but your bravery is what will bring this from the dark into the light, thank you. I will write more again on this complex and fragile subject. You’re comment has spurred me on. Thank you. You never failed him – society as a whole lets us down. Peace, love n light ✨️ 💕

      Liked by 1 person

      • The collective societal loss makes me almost unbearably sad (“sad” doesn’t even come close). Please do keep writing about this, Kait. I appreciate that you’re willing to address tough topics. Thank you. 💗

        Liked by 1 person

      • Yes, it’s a devastating realization, the fabric of society is completely being unstitched before our very eyes 😔 Stay strong and if we unite we can create our own strength, understandings and non judgemental discussions about more of these incredibly important topics and make them not taboo, shine a light on the dark, welcome knowledge above shame, fear and stigma! I’m on a journey 😁🙌☮️💜🌻

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