Attempt #1 – Method and Madness (Firstly the madness that led me there)

When I got away from the place where I had been raped, I walked home.  I had my horse with me but I couldn’t ride him.  I just stumbled my way home through snot and tears.  My horse kept nudging me as he had never seen me like this.  I can’t explain fully what was going on inside.  I think I was shocked, in disbelief.  And surprised.  I was so surprised at how casual and normal the man who had just raped me, had been.  He apologized for ripping my clothes as he handed the remnants to me and asked me if I wanted a drink of water….I mean, an absolute fucking gentleman.  Anyway – sorry, that bit of sarcasm was unavoidable – I left with my head down and a confused shame, embarrassment and doubt came over me.  I doubted what had happened.  I doubted what I believed.  I doubted my actions and questioned whether I had offered myself for this man to take.  But that was not true, I know this now that I’m older, stronger, wiser and not confused by my naivete anymore. At the time I had no compass,  nothing like this had ever been in my world. Now I wasn’t safe anymore,  that’s how I felt. My parents couldn’t do anything to change what had happened, neither could I, or any god or universal plane… I know it changed me forever.

I always wondered if I would’ve been a different person if I hadn’t been raped. How different my worldview may have been, my relationships with the men in my life. Those things ate me up at that confused time,  but what killed my soul was that someone had taken something from me that I didn’t give.  I played the situation over and over in my mind.  It broke me. And then there were my loving parents whom I couldn’t look in the eye anymore. I felt dirty, guilty and ashamed. Those feelings began to become so intense and overwhelming they consumed me. And in a very short space of time,  merely days.It seemed that everything and everyone else was rushing by and busy with life and I just seemed to keep repetitively falling and falling. Scrabbling at nothing on the sides and feeling totally worthless.

10 thoughts on “Attempt #1 – Method and Madness (Firstly the madness that led me there)

  1. Pingback: Attempt #1 – Method and Madness (Firstly the madness that led me there) – Site Title

      • I’m OK now, I’m so sorry this has happened to you too. It is one of the hardest times I have ever faced. The disappointment in myself was overwhelming but I realised it was not me, it was them…I hope you can do OK too. It will never go away but you can use the experience for strength and fight in you. They can’t touch your soul, a physical body, yes, but they can’t touch your soul. Stay safe, stay strong. There’s a princess warrior in all of us. Peace, love n light to you 💜🫂☮️

        Liked by 1 person

      • Thank you.

        I’m not doing terrible because of the rape. I started therapy earlier this year and I’ve been healing. I’m 18. Something else happened sometime last week and I’m still in shock.

        Thank you. Peace to you, too.

        Liked by 1 person

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in: Logo

You are commenting using your account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s