It’s going to get dark again, even if the sun is shining. I know what I’m in for. Staring into nowhere with a sense of hopelessness and despair that seems to have no end at the time. So you’re back, you’ve returned with your sticky, clingy sadness I must wear as a shawl. It’s a shawl made of all my wrong-doings, lost dreams, failed relationships, and a frightening anxiety about the future. It weighs a tonne, and I struggle to sit up in bed with it on, or get out of bed, or brush my teeth or my hair… you weigh me down, Depression.
I didn’t know I was feeling so bad until I was in the kitchen making myself a coffee… I had been thinking negatively, granted. And the cold of winter doesn’t make it easy either, so the future looks grim with the situation I’m in. This is the exact time the Shawl of Depression draped herself securely around me, so I had to drag myself sadly and tearfully back to my bed. I see the sky, the sun, the birds, the beauty – the beauty in everything but me and my life. Then I tell myself off for being so ungrateful and get angry at the things that stop me from being who I want to be. My anger covers the fear and anxiety. I would rather be angry than scared. It’s a long process to get to angry. It’s a long, unseen, unknown process that puts me there in the first place, though.
I lie facing the wall. I don’t want to look at beautiful things. My eyes are open, I’m not moving though – my breathing hasn’t changed, it’s still rhythmical, and the tears just seem to fall out of my eyes endlessly. No noise, no change, nothing – just a waterfall coming out of my face that seems like it won’t let up. I don’t understand the grief or the sadness. Perhaps it is the broken me saying goodbye to the real me but refusing to let me go… In a little bit, I will sit up and write about this. It’s crippling and yet I know I have to ride this out. I know I should take a good look at those feelings, but I’m just too angry at the moment…
Kait King 2017
Battle
Pre-Occupancy
Pre-Occupancy
So nobody’s home
Just cardboard cut-outs
posed in my brain
Memories I can’t let go
Pre-Occupancy
A way to survive
Somehow to numb
the pain
Somehow to stay
the child
Pre-Occupancy
Merely a distraction
Something to hide
any connection
Anything to avoid
taking action
Pre-Occupancy
© Kait King, 2017
Pass it forward:
Mod-Rock-Vintage-Glam
Say what?
Edgy, I get
but perhaps it’s time
to give a name to this
retro-mismatched
misunderstood era
of a better time
clung to with the echo’s
of laughing kids on bicycles
a dog barks and sprinklers spit
on the thirsty, but well-kept lawn –
you know the drill
Now we watch TV programs of that
magical but oh so dangerous era –
as never before or after the 70’s
has there been a true A-typical
serial killer – at least that we know of
Corruption and destruction
non-existent moon-landings
And milk that lasted outside for weeks
We thought we were moving forward
But there were glass-ceilings and
“no choice” let alone the freedom of speech
The Vietnam war left more bodies
falling over time, or walking like the dead –
than the count of the actual battle
Hate was not something of the past
activists and advocates battled for what’s right
and still there are the odd crosses found
burning in the night
© Kait King, 2015
Pass it forward:
I just want it to end
So I’m sent back and forth
and around again
to specialists and surgeons
who say it’s in my brain
the wiring’s fucked
Is what they say
because a butcher unfortunately
hacked away
at your hope
your dreams
your aspirations
your purpose
you
Forgiveness and acceptance
words to deal with
spilling your guts makes you better
I think that’s just a myth
to stop me
hold me
trap me in belief
I just want it to end
© Kait King, 2015
Pass it forward:
Lest Someone Forgets
Why won’t you sing our song
We sing yours over here
Why don’t you whisper
our fallen’s names
Or don’t you really care
If blood alone had been spilt
Could you tell that blood apart
Or perhaps without the body
You could tell the difference
in their hearts
Why won’t you sing our Kiwi song
They fought as brothers in arms
They all fell in the same stinking hell
They deserve a name whispered
in the calm
For the fallen ANZAC soldiers of New Zealand, who’s song (national anthem) is not sung in Australia. We recognise and sing the Australian anthem for all of them when we celebrate ANZAC day over here. They were “brothers in arms” after all. C’mon Australia – do the right thing.
© Kait King, 2015
Pass it forward:
Only Sometimes…
Sometimes I pull my jersey
up over my head
or just want to stay curled up
in my too big bed
I just want and wish
everything to go away
I feel numb, time is timeless
and
I don’t know what to say
Sometimes it makes me feel like
I’m only ten
and I’m playing hide ‘n’ seek
again
Sometimes I want to curl into
a ball
and say good bye
to it all
Sometimes I don’t know if I have
the energy to breathe
let alone anything else
life has
up it’s sleeve
Sometimes I wonder
what a life would be like
if I could be set free
without string
and fly like a kite
Sometimes I doubt
what lies in front of me
I try not too look too far ahead
as I might not like
what I see
© Kait King, 2015
Pass it forward:
Andy’s Addiction
Andy has a problem
he doesn’t know what to do
there’s a monkey glued to his back
and it’s really chewing through
his heart,
his bank account,
his tired soul.
Andy has a problem
he doesn’t know how to say
that he doesn’t want to be here
not for another single day
of hurt,
of frustration,
in an angered mind.
Andy knows this problem
he knows what he should do
but it wraps him up and chokes him
and he can’t see his way through
another single day
with no way
to feel.
Andy can’t reach out for help
that would just mean pain
How can he reach out for help
when his hand is trapped
by shame
and addiction
and fear.
© Kait King, 2015
Pass it forward:
Covidius Insidious
Here comes
A virus
Here comes
A plague
Here comes
The UN
The WHO
Der Hague
Here comes
Mad Max
Here comes
The Stand
Chaotic
Pandemic
Just a question
Of when
And death:
Is it 1 in 2
Or 1 in 4?
Or 6 out of 10?
Or even…
More?
Here is
The second coming
See the
Novel mute
Silent
Violent
Sneaky death
A body
Down a chute
Listen…
Gloves are
Snapping on
Facemasks
In demand
No one knows
This chaos
The world is
Out of hand
Kait King 20/03/20
Pass it forward:
Acceptance
For me: “Acceptance is an attempt at freedom”
© Kait King, 2015
Pass it forward:
The Slavering Beast

He could see
and feel
a slavering beast
He could smell it’s
breath
see it’s sharpened
yellow teeth
It wanted him
to do
bad things
It felt like the
Devil with Hate
Not his usual state
of being
but any Angel
with wings
was going to be too late
It said that nobody
nobody
gave
two shits
And do everyone a
favor
Go ahead
slit your wrists
Kait King 2016
Pass it forward:
Blessed Carrion
Beleaguered bones
please carry me there
Flattened feet
walk on
Before an age of telephones
while life is unfair
a vicious sweet
a blessed carrion
you read
you eat
walk on
© Kait King, 2015
Pass it forward:
knuckle-bite-fright

warped, crippled
twisted and blackened
my monsters will be set free
decrepit, decayed,
barren of soul
sit here or there
and all will see
Damaged, Dangerous,
Dark and Fright
my monsters travel day or night
bad dreams,
bad thoughts,
dark dreams,
No light –
not all is as it seems
with knuckle-bite fright….
© Kait King, 2015
Pass it forward:
Another Opportunity
Yes love,
that’s exactly
what you do
Dust yourself off
once you’ve
pulled yourself up
and sing
dance
stand tall
Honey if you
think about it
it’s not the first time
and be sure
it will not be the last
You know the rights
from the wrongs
Don’t ever let them change
your song
With a Nelson Mandelian
grace
and a dignity dug
from the deep
You will triumph
and in a cloud of
dust, like a rolling
Pig Pen
You flagrantly walk
your walk into
another opportunity
© Kait King, 2016
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