If You Enjoy My Words…

I would really appreciate your help…

Someone suggested that I could get paid to write and that I should set up a donations page. So here goes! It feels a little awkward but this is what I would like to do full-time, write. I can’t pay my bills unless I earn my way so this will be my leap of faith. Thank you for letting me believe I have wings! Please note your donation is in NZ dollars and you may determine the amount – thank you again x

NZ$1.00

Pre-Occupancy

Pre-Occupancy

So nobody’s home

Just cardboard cut-outs

posed in my brain

Memories I can’t let go

Pre-Occupancy

A way to survive

Somehow to numb

the pain

Somehow to stay

the child

Pre-Occupancy

Merely a distraction

Something to hide

any connection

Anything to avoid

taking action

Pre-Occupancy

© Kait King, 2017

Lovesick

I know
what’s happening
to me
He’s found
his way
in
making me think
in love story
lines
making butterflies
deep inside
me
and a sickness
I cannot recover
from

© Kait King, 2015

No Expectations

Presumed guilty

before proven innocent

the unwilling participant

Assume the best

and prepare for the worst

Expectation costs nothing

but disappointment hurts

© Kait King, 2015

Like the Seasons

15478110868_cf57cafc79_b Like the seasons HiveMind

Your’e fading

on me again,

Quietly moving

away

Distancing yourself

So that you think

I won’t notice…

The bed is

our friendly

enemy

Saving us

from ourselves

and each other

It’s a waiting

game as

your brain seasons

change

And you will

be back if

you go

And we go

through

This

… again

Kait King 25/01/2020

Last thought in a Playground

She’s beating the

crap out of me

I want to be

retaliatory

But I can’t find a gap

to even try

and hit back

She kicks me in

my side

Everyone wants to see

me cry

I can hear their

jeering calls

of magnified echoes

charging through halls

This strange metamorphosis

in sound

is my ticket off

the gravelly ground

And I can see myself

lying there

The group of bystanders

shout and cheer

My body, I see

crumpled like

a sack

And I never even got a chance

to throw a punch back

© Kait King, 2015

The Rut

My laugh is empty –
it’s lost it’s guts
I feel myself falling
into one of those ruts
That long
dark hole
I think I’ll never come back from
That “odd-one-out” feeling
that I really don’t belong

© Kait King, 2016

For the Love of Rastus – R.I.P 20th May 2016

A bright orange glow
you sit in the hedgerow
thinking you are hidden
and will get to catch the forbidden
but little do you know
your gingerness does show
even though you’re so still sitting
your camouflage seems to be what’s missing
You see the birds and can contain the frolics
but I’m sorry Rastas –
You stand out like dog’s bollocks!
You must wonder how come you don’t catch a bird
they must look at you and think you’re absurd
You’ll never catch them in your bright orange coat
Or feel their silky feathers in the back of your throat
I’ve seen the odd field mouse stiff on the bricks
but I just know, that’s not how you want your kicks
A crispy crunchy sparrow or a larger tasty minor
or perhaps a tender inside bird, something a little finer…

© Kait King, 2015

Wildest Wind

A Wild Wind blows amiss
the plants and trees –
not a gentle kiss
Like a Louis
the Fourteenth dance
All the stately
tree branches prance,
Individual as the players
of many orchestrated layers
They fling themselves
around
Ancient roots hold tightly
in the ground
as the Wildest Wind
does its very best
to keep the tree branches
from any rest

© Kait King, 2016

The question of why I exist…

I guess the question of why would be relative to one’s beliefs, perception and world view. If the answer to the question is different due to this, then there are different results with each answer. Some might believe the why was: because they deserved it or God wanted it that way or human suffering is pay back or whatever other beliefs people have about the reasons why they want out. Do they exist to be beaten, maligned and controlled? Do they exist just to suffer? To be targets for predators of Child Abuse, rape and murder? We know all of the good things… Sometimes they get covered up in the bad. I think more than anything, people who want to die, ask themselves, the Universe and all gods “why am I here? For what purpose must I hurt beyond my control? Beyond what I can bear…”

But I’m still here, still bearing when I thought I needed to escape the unbearable. Was I a fool to hang around waiting to die or should I take the quick option and kill myself? Was that cheating? Not knowing is what keeps me waiting. Does that mean that those who do take their lives have absolute faith? Absolute knowledge? Or are they just in absolute Hell? Are they absolutely past caring? Perhaps there is no right or wrong answer…or maybe no answer at all. Perhaps we just exist to exist. We live we die – rinse and repeat…

Go towards the light….

go towards the light

When I was a kid I grew up in a place called Somerset West in South Africa. It was beautiful and I have amazing memories living there with all of the beautifully changing landscapes and incredible wildlife. I used to go to school with a chameleon or a tobacco roller snake curled up in my pocket. I lived, breathed and ate horses (I always hated that saying – I would die before I ate a horse)…maybe…anyway, I was a happy-go-lucky kid. My parents were wonderfully social butterflies, having many dinners and do’s that were amazing. I would sneak downstairs and take a look at all the beautiful people and listen to their laughter and tinkling cutlery. My mother would let me have dessert upstairs while I watched TV way later than what I was supposed to. I had the dogs and cat crowded up in the den and kept hoping that I would be forgotten and could stay here, just like this, always.

Well that didn’t happen and life trundled on – I must have been about 14 or 15 years old and had my first boyfriend. My parents were out one night and so my boyfriend Mike, and I were over at my friends’ house across the road. Before we left we made sure the dogs were not able to get into the lounge, a light on the front porch was left on for when we came back and everything was locked up.

So we had a fun night with our friends’ and decided it was time to head back – my parents would be home soon and Mike had to go home too. We walked hand in hand down the long dark driveway and headed across the road. My house was lit up like a birthday cake. Every light in the house was on. Mike and I stopped dead in our tracks with our mouths open. I went to hurry forward and Mike held me back. We approached with more caution. The front door was also open…and all of the windows. We were terrified but for some reason instead of going back to my friends’ house we kept going towards mine. Mike pushed the front door open and we slowly went in – I was hanging on to Mike for dear life! Everything was super bright with every single light turned on, the guest toilet lights, the reading lamps beside the beds and the main lights…what the hell was going on? What was really weird is that the dogs were bailed into a corner in the kitchen. Not even where their beds were but squashed under the breakfast table. Now we had a Great Dane (Cleo), a Labrador (Lottie) and a Bouvier des Flanders crossed with an English Sheepdog, (Charlie). These were not little dogs or scaredy-cat dogs for that matter, yet they were cowering and terrified of coming out when Mike and I went in. Usually they were delighted to see us and went crazy even if we had only been gone for twenty minutes. The cat, Fluffy-bum, was nowhere to be seen either.

Mike and I scoured the house and turned off the lights and closed the windows – man, we were creeped out. Mike had to go so I reluctantly saw him off and kept the dogs close. I made sure I locked the front door behind me and checked the downstairs windows with a trail of pets behind me. While I wandered around the house trying to feel safe, yet believing I may be locking something in with me rather than keeping something out.

Suddenly I could smell something burning. I poked my nose outside to find out if there was a bush fire somewhere but I could only smell the delicately cloying Wisteria and Jasmine that threaded the hedge. I hurriedly retraced my steps, the dogs got in the way of course and I stumbled over them several times in my hurry. I couldn’t find anything that was turned on now – I had turned it all off! I checked the power outlets all around and unplugged anything that wasn’t being used but nothing was melted or smelt as if it was burning. I checked the oven, the laundry where the iron was – nothing, not a heated thing. I went into the den and turned on the TV. Lottie, Cleo and Charlie followed me in and clambered onto the sofa with me. Fluffy-bum had turned up and wiggled her way in amongst all of the dogginess. I wondered when Mum and Dad would be home, I hoped soon…

Next to the sofa was an old cane rocking chair and foot stool that would now and again crack due to the change in temperature so that was nothing new. But y’know how cats suddenly stop doing what they are doing and just stare at something you know is not human and may be a ghost or something like that. But you don’t want to believe it when it’s in your own lounge. So Fluffy-bum is washing herself, and the dogs’ faces in between their fluttering lip snores and does this petrified statue thing, looking at the old cane rocking chair. It cracks and I think nothing of it. Something has changed, the snoring has stopped and all three dogs are awake, lying there with their eyes open but they had not picked up their heads. That was really strange – they leapt up at anything in a race to meet it, greet it or eat it.

The cane chair cracked some more and then became regular as the chair started tipping back and forth, rocking… I shot straight off the sofa – cat and dogs flying. Something had changed in me – I was fed up with this torturous unknowing. I stormed over to the lounge door – ripped it open and yelled over my shoulder, “GET OUT! YOU ARE NOT WELCOME HERE – GET OUT!” and carried on like a tornado to the front door – ripped that one open, after I fumbled around unlocking it and yelled the same thing behind me. I stopped in my tracks as I felt something move and shift in the atmosphere.

“I’m sorry…” I whispered, “I’m scared of you, I don’t know who you are but I don’t want you here. You need to go to the light, just go…” and I closed the front door. I walked back into the lounge, I felt shattered but hugely relieved. I looked towards the welcoming sofa where Lottie, Charlie, Cleo and Fluffy-bum sat waiting. They looked relaxed and content. I plonked myself down and Fluffy-bum came over, she looked up at me and closed her beautiful green eyes in a smile of thanks and curled up on my lap after a couple of raspy kisses on my hand. Somebody released some of their dogginess and we were almost back to normal. I heard Mum and Dad’s purring car and saw the headlights sweep over the windows in a comforting light – wondering if whomever I had chased out of our house felt as comforted as I did right now, I really hoped so.

I’m no secret

I’m no secret
I’m loud and clear
I love you babe
put away your fear
I won’t leave
I won’t bow out
I promise
I’m good for it
I’ll leave you
no doubt
And all I ask
in simple return
is the love
from your heart
that I know
I have earned

© Kait King, 2015

Sleep Deep if you Dare

Sleep deep
Sleep light
Lucky you
if you
sleep tight
Sleep long
Deep sleep
Eyes closed
yet you
still weep
Eyes open
Brain awake
Each breath breathed
a life
at stake
Eyes closed
Brain aches
It seems
like an hour
each second takes
Tweaked bedclothes
Twisting dreams
When are you awake?
Never, it seems
© Kait King, 2015

Junkie Corner and Gangster Avenue

Who’s hanging where

and why are they hanging here?

Are they sucking up the light?

Or just too noisy in the night?

Have the neighbors had enough

Are the gangs a tad too tough?

Do they scare you with their masks

and their everyday drug tasks?

Standing on a corner street

a clusterfuck of hopeless

listening to some grind beat

you just need to smoke, pop, toke this

there is no other option

but for crap minimum wage

Nothing there that stops them

And lucky to reach old age

© Kait King, 2015

OK, I’ll open my big mouth first…

My big mouth first - depression-through-art-1

Like I mentioned in a previous post, it’s not easy talking about suicide – especially if you are directly involved on either end of that very sharp stick.  I have been on both and a lot of splinters in between.  I said it was time to talk about suicide and all of its branches that lead us there and why.  And it’s true, but I can’t expect anyone else to be prepared to talk or reach out, even to me, if I don’t do it first.  I can’t expect anyone to do something I’m not prepared to do myself.  So I’ve put myself out there, so what? I will continue to do so until things change about how we help others and ourselves.  Until we find out what more we can do to help each other to understand, identify and prevent so much pain and misunderstanding, we must keep facing the fire and get to know it very well, very very well. Just like we delve into everything else we want to find out about, understand and manage.  Why the dark shroud around suicide?  It’s time to talk.

Kait King 2020

Lyrics to Something and Nothing

something and nothing

There’s nothing like a tall glass of water

Nothing like a clear day

Nothing like your lovemaking

Like the dream I have when I always get my way

Something like the way you love me

Something like a summer day

Something like the way I crave you

Something always seems to get in the way

Ch: You do – something crazy to my heart and to my mind x 3

Verse 2

Nothing like the way you hold me when

It’s a cold rainy night

It’s nothing like the way you scare me

I wanna run – don’t wanna fight

It’s nothing like the way you tell me

That you love me when you want me

And I want you too

It’s nothing like the way you tell me

That you need me when you want me

And I just wanna be with you

Ch: You do – something crazy to my heart and to my mind x 3

Verse 3

It’s nothing like the way you find me

When I need you so bad

Something like the way you see me

Put a smile on my face

When I’m feelin’ sad

Nothing like the way I know you

When you don’t want me to see you, but I can see right through

Something like when we’re together

Something that feels so very true

Ch: Cos you do – something crazy to my heart and to my mind x 3

© Kait King, 2015

If you really cared…

if you really cared

What’s the difference

when it’s all the same

we go down this road

and come back again

Forgiven you, I haven’t

when it’s caused me

all this pain

and if you try to find me

I’ll fall back into you

again

© Kait King, 2015

Sometimes a word

Touching many
or touching none,
the joy it brings
just touching one –
with a torrent of words
cleverly writ,
from the coolest phrases
in ancient Sanskrit
or perhaps a scribe in
a guttural foreign word
is the sweetest thing
anybody ever heard
And the English language
with it’s redonkulous rules
where no matter how good you are
it still makes you a fool…
sometimes

© Kait King, 2016

The writers’ blogk: Observation 6

  1. Eating chocolate does not a great writer make….disappointingly….and believe you me, I’ve tried and tried and tried and tried and tried and tried and tried and tried and tri…..

A Fair Ultimatum

If you can

allow yourself

to love me baby

I’ll hold you,

rock you,

Love you through every night

If you’re not scared to

show me baby

I’ll do my very best

to make it

all right

But I feel you haven’t

let go baby

And it’s not really all

about me

You have to let your feelings

show baby

You have to love me

or let me

be free

© Kait King, 2015

Now ThAt’S Crazy-

Ted Bundy

Ted Bundy

Our monsters don’t look

like monsters

There is no way to tell

If they’ll share a slice of Heaven

or bring the hate of Hell

They don’t all have dangerous killer looks

they are not all uneducated and despise books

Look at Ted, a prime example

of a learned man who was extremely harmful

Ted Bundy, yes

he was an educated man

but not smart enough

to avoid the hang man

Then there’s really insane

Like Mr Ed Gein

who danced in the moonlight with his mother’s skin on his face

© Kait King, 2015

I cry

i cry

I cry

I cry and I cry

for what I am not

What I am perceived as

is not what they got

I grieve

I break and bend

for what has a future

that already knows the end?

© Kait King, 2015

Enhancing you

missingpuzzleperson1

I see

the lonely landscape

of an empty soul

Someone incomplete

Someone who’s not whole

It doesn’t take another person

to make you feel as one

You must just believe in yourself

and something to enhance you

will come

© Kait King, 2015

Lust to dust

Ashes to ashes
dust to dust
Love won’t last forever
anchored only in lust
Kisses for kisses
I forgive you your past
it’s the only way through
If you want us to last

© Kait King, 2015

I think of you…

I think of you

I think of you

and dreardom stops

I think of you

and there’s a color

I can’t name

© Kait King, 2015

I Just Want to

I just want to

I just want to

go home

go back to what

I know

I want those things

that are so familiar

Because out here alone

is so much chillier

I just want to

see the same faces

know those secret special

places

And unpack my

cases

I just want to go home…

© Kait King, 2015

Rise Above

Jealousy
Please leave me
Let me walk free
from your grasp
Honesty
Please fill me
Set my words free
with that trust
Stupidity
Please abandon me
Let me hear twice but speak
with one voice
Integrity
Please empower me
Take over my mind and body
to make the right choice
©Kait King 2017

Avoidance = Safe

I’ve been loved
by someone
When I wanted
to be free
And I’ve loved someone
desperately
When clearly
they didn’t
love me
I couldn’t find
a balance
I felt all men
would just hurt me
I made a choice
very purposefully
And I withdrew
from family, friends, and society
Alone
I finally could see clearly
the common denominator
in my failed relationships
was me

© Kait King, 2016

Feeling like the Titanic

She’s listing

dangerously –

hair unwashed

no make-up on,

even the Captain

abandoned her

uninteresting,

over-weight and

needy

Stuck in the

iceberg

solid

icy

cold

unwanted connection –

The dark will soon

be upon the wreck

alone

lonely

lost

In the dark

© Kait King, 2016

Gently

Slightly

gently

tumble on

down

fall into

my arms

you’ll not

be undone

Kait King 2015

Mod-Rock-Vintage-Glam

Look at me

Say what?

Edgy, I get

but perhaps it’s time

to give a name to this

retro-mismatched

misunderstood era

of a better time

clung to with the echo’s

of laughing kids on bicycles

a dog barks and sprinklers spit

on the thirsty, but well-kept lawn –

you know the drill

Now we watch TV programs of that

magical but oh so dangerous era –

as never before or after the 70’s

has there been a true A-typical

serial killer – at least that we know of

Corruption and destruction

non-existent moon-landings

And milk that lasted outside for weeks

We thought we were moving forward

But there were glass-ceilings and

“no choice” let alone the freedom of speech

The Vietnam war left more bodies

falling over time, or walking like the dead –

than the count of the actual battle

Hate was not something of the past

activists and advocates battled for what’s right

and still there are the odd crosses found

burning in the night

© Kait King, 2015

Child Abuse – The War

So you don’t

live in

a War Zone

At least not

one that

we can see

And you’ve

never been

aimed for or

shot at

But the gaping

bleeding wounds

may

as well

be

There are no

drones hanging

clanging alarms

rapid gunfire or

your screams that

anyone else

can hear…

But you do

Kait King 2020

Attention all mind readers…

She can read your mind….

There’s a part of me I don’t want people to see. Sometimes, I think my battle with writing at times is because of exactly that. If I write what I want to – which I do, this must make people (strangers and those I know too) think of me in a certain way. That’s just the way the cookie crumbles, we all represent in some way or another – the way we decorate ourselves, our homes, our cars insides….But that is easy to see when we visit people’s homes or meet them and feel akin to them or get a ride in their super tidy or super messy car – we are able to make assessments.
But what about when you really know very little about a person and yet you are able to read their minds, well in a way, kind of. I write what is in and on my mind and you are reading it….mind reader 🙂

© Kait King, 2015

Society’s Perfect Human

Don’t know why I’m here
but finally I see
there’s a few hard lessons
to be learned by me
And it doesn’t matter what I
think I’ve learned
I give so much
and still get burned
So how do we turn ourselves
into someone new
It can’t be the easiest thing
to do so
why do we try so hard
to be
society’s perfect human being?

© Kait King, 2015

It’ll pass

Temporarily insane

playing your little game

partly furnished

inside my head

only not working

if I should be dead

Temporarily out of order

please excuse the mess

you’ve caught me on an off day

How can I be my best?

© Kait King, 2015

I just want it to end

So I’m sent back and forth

and around again

to specialists and surgeons

who say it’s in my brain

the wiring’s fucked

Is what they say

because a butcher unfortunately

hacked away

at your hope

your dreams

your aspirations

your purpose

you

Forgiveness and acceptance

words to deal with

spilling your guts makes you better

I think that’s just a myth

to stop me

hold me

trap me in belief

I just want it to end

© Kait King, 2015

The best nightmares are the ones where you wake up before it goes bad…

The Best Nightmares

© Kait King, 2015

What I want to believe Real Women want

I’m quite happy being a Woman
I don’t want to be a Man
I don’t want to scratch my nuts
or take out the trash can
I don’t understand the confusion
about the Man and Woman sequel
Of course we are very Different
Different, but still very Equal
I am proud to be the Carer
The Fantastical Giver of Life
the gentle softness of
a safe place to fall
When you return from
a hard days’ fight
My Man, the strong Protector
The Bringer of that Life
who will be Honoured to care for me Truly
and with Pride
would call me his Wife

© Kait King, 2015

Lest Someone Forgets

Why won’t you sing our song
We sing yours over here
Why don’t you whisper
our fallen’s names
Or don’t you really care
If blood alone had been spilt
Could you tell that blood apart
Or perhaps without the body
You could tell the difference
in their hearts
Why won’t you sing our Kiwi song
They fought as brothers in arms
They all fell in the same stinking hell
They deserve a name whispered
in the calm

For the fallen ANZAC soldiers of New Zealand, who’s song (national anthem) is not sung in Australia. We recognise and sing the Australian anthem for all of them when we celebrate ANZAC day over here. They were “brothers in arms” after all. C’mon Australia – do the right thing.
© Kait King, 2015

Earth Angels are Real

It’s a beautiful thing

When you think

you know the world,

how it all works

That it’s dog eat dog

Self preservation is key

No one else will care

Just when I think

This world is lost

A lost society

Forgotten generations

There is no hope

For us,

Earth Angels step in

They do ride in on unicorns

Sprinkle fairy dust

Create magic and

Make dreams come true…

Kait King ❣ 21st September 2019

Anyway, Any way

Anyway Any way

I so wish

I could have

been a better mum

But he still loves me

anyway

I see the photo

next to me

Colors blue and grey

you and I

Not much to spend

but time

and he still loves me

anyway

I feel I may have

failed you in

too many ways

to count

In spite of that

you are a beautiful

soul

and you still love me,

anyway

Kait King 16/7/2018