I loved university. I loved being up to my eyeballs in something I was fascinated with. The challenges and deadlines were all bonuses on top of the actual subject and I rose to greet each one. Anyway that’s by the by, so I’m in the lecture theater and the lecture is about to end. I know I’m getting a phone call very shortly so I excuse myself to go outside to wait for the call.
I get outside and there’s a kid doubled over, sitting pretty much folded over on the side bench. I wander to the bench, my phone out, texting and looking up as I walk. And I sit down on his right side. He shuffles over a little to make room. He is not moving much and my curiosity gets the better of me and I surreptitiously glance sideways at him. Yep, he is totally bent in half, but I do see his phone in his hand and he’s got his left hand side of his face plastered to his phone. Not the left hand side as in, his ear and talking, I mean like with his eye and not talking. Possibly taking a picture of his eye? Or the pupil of his eye? So without thinking for another second I pipe up with “I think you need glasses by the looks of things!” and chuckled a little, breaking the ice and everything. And this is my problem – my brain doesn’t engage with my mouth or vice versa – they work independently (against me!) so this is where I have ended up with this Foot in Mouth Disease – I’m a a frequent flyer.
Well, this kid looks up at me and one eye is covered with that cloud, the cloud that means that they can’t see much of anything out of that eye and the other one is scarred too.
He says, “It’s the only way I can see my texts – glasses won’t help…” I’m sitting there like an idiot. But I did what I usually do and chose not to ignore the elephant.
“So what happened to your eyes?” I asked.
He looked up from his phone again – well, as best as he could, and explained that he had been walking down Queen Street and it was winter. A super stormy day, and Queen Street can become like a wind tunnel on days like that. He had a jacket on that zipped up and as he grappled in the wind with it, the zip sliced across his eye, blinding him totally in his right eye and severely impinging on his sight in his left.
“I’m so sorry dude – really impressed you’re at university…I didn’t mean to be rude by the way….” I trailed off. He smiled, “It’s OK,” he says to me, ” at least you didn’t just walk away – that’s the worst. Everyone knows something’s up with my fricken vision. Lots of people don’t know what to do when they’re confronted with something unexpected…”
We were silent for a split second.
“I’m sorry this happened to you…. but I see in spite of a universal fuck-up in your life, you’re still here, still givin’ it all that!” he laughed at me and I laughed too.
“Often people so let the wrong things define who they are, or the worst things. The fact that you rise above this defines who you are.” He looked at me with a serious frown, somewhat created due to his lack of vision.
“Thank you for that, I needed to hear that right now…” he said.
I didn’t know his name but I did know much more about him than just some letters to identify him to his friends, family, fellow students and work colleagues. Not only that, but I found out even more about myself, or maybe about people. We all share commonalities – common likes, enemies, feelings, injustices etc. We all share bonds and those deeper threads of what make us who we are are far more interesting and important than your name, your clothes, your home, car, bank account…we truly are here to fill our souls and not our wallets. I take my soul with me when I go – I will leave my earthly belongings behind.
I watch you grow in
the sunshine of my love
with raindrops of pure joy
you fall around me
endlessly
In the deepest, darkest shadows
You shine your brightest light
every day
every night
My baby boy
you turn my life around
Baby boy
you turn my life upside down
As the seconds with you turn into years
your fearless journey with
true innocence moves away
suddenly you’re a schoolboy
with a schoolbag
who won’t hold my hand anyway
My baby boy
you turn my life around
Beautiful boy
you turn life upside down
Strong enough to climb
the tallest tree
your big brown eyes smile down
your laughter falling like autumn
leaves
fall to cover me
What do you mean? You don’t get it? I’ve talked the hind leg off a donkey telling you why it is what it is and no I don’t regret it How can you say that? How would you know? I get pissed that I’m not good enough I won’t put my assets on show I watch you watching yourself under the radar so low Hiding who you really are and now I wish I didn’t know When did you do that? Is it like someone I know? There is no name, no face No one to show And I need a body to bury So I can let you go
Sometimes I pull my jersey
up over my head
or just want to stay curled up
in my too big bed
I just want and wish
everything to go away
I feel numb, time is timeless
and
I don’t know what to say
Sometimes it makes me feel like
I’m only ten
and I’m playing hide ‘n’ seek
again
Sometimes I want to curl into
a ball
and say good bye
to it all
Sometimes I don’t know if I have
the energy to breathe
let alone anything else
life has
up it’s sleeve
Sometimes I wonder
what a life would be like
if I could be set free
without string
and fly like a kite
Sometimes I doubt
what lies in front of me
I try not too look too far ahead
as I might not like
what I see
Nothing says home like the food you know, the smells that trigger head movies and the comforting arms and hands that picked you up and helped you mix and stir and “help” cooking when you were a kid. They now welcome you back into the fold, embrace your grown-upness but still visualised as the child, as you will always be. Family time is noise in the kitchen, clattering dishes and chattering mouths – we women of many words create more warmth with our talking breath, better than the lukewarm sun does, trying to impress us through a shameless glass. The men, young and old – three generations of my blood, gather around the finger food that has been laid out to stop them from starving before the main meal…if you believe that, you will believe anything.
My father, the patriarch, his unwilling body fighting his sharp, determined mind – his sharp, determined mind that used to beat his body has put its hands up and retreated. His brain is stronger than anything else, bar maybe his heart. He peers over his heavily framed glasses all the better to see a watch face his grandson has handed him to look at. His 80 year old eyes squint and recognise, the information is swift and he says the battery is a blah blah…..his mind as sharp as a knife. His son-in-law hands him a glass of wine which he carefully holds, the glass is heavy and cumbersome to him, due to his muscular dystrophy. He already can’t lift the glass to his lips but our mother brings straws with them so that he doesn’t have to.
His grandson, Jay, is a loud kid and is learning to pull his head in, but does show signs of promise with his unresearched fury at certain injustices. Maybe the same way my father felt about all of those things 60 years or more ago. My father brought all of us up to question everything, accept nothing at face value and to take risk in a positive way. He had a strong sense of what was right and fair and he brought four crusaders into the world to carry on that legacy. Give a shit, the majority of the population won’t – so you just have to. It’s your duty as a human being with the gift of life on this earth…
When I finally find my rhythm and I am the one eager to push forward. When I can’t help but mould and mash a character of no charm, or carefully fine tune a delicate life, an angry spirit, that tortured soul….nothing can stop me. Time is of zero meaning or consequence. Food and water are not necessities, they are interruptions – as is anything else that must drag me from my Frankensteinian stupor. My frenzied, impassioned creation can sometimes make me feel overwhelmingly powerful or incredibly tiny as I realise how childlike my perception might be…or is it drama queen stuff? Not naivete…surely….not another avenue to explore…surely. Let me write it out of me in some shape or form so I can recognise it in some shape or form, not just a passing thought….a forgotten idea, feeling…story. Place the electrodes and blast it into the light, out to the night, encompassed in fright…write, write, write
Thanks to all of my followers, fans, friends and family 🙂 I really appreciate all of your follows, comments, advice and shares. I hope you enjoy my blog and my recent thriller killer novel on Amazon called The 3 Little Piggies and now 2 poetry books, Supine Exsanguinationsand unseen poetry,My See-Through Mind also available on Amazon (please check out the Kait King on Amazon button on my site). I need reviews – the good, the bad and the ugly – please don’t be shy!:)
I’ve really enjoyed writing a blog and getting some of my stuff out there, actually it’s over 400 pieces of writing so maybe more than just some 🙂 Thank you for reading my blog, for commenting and letting me know how you feel and what you think – I love it and feel like I may have found a place in the blogosphere.
It really does get easier as I share more and realise those who read me, share these things with me as well. I have become comfortable with the WordPress tools and applications. I have been fortunate to have had only very minimal negative contact from anyone and that was a while ago, when I first started here. So again, thank you to all of you wonderful people who have made it easier for me to bare my soul! And also to all of you amazing people who are brave enough to put yourselves out there too!
Thank you – without you,
my life would be a little less inky!
This is for my amazing SupaSista
Who has been my strength throughout
My bestest friend and my sister
I just couldn’t do without
Tea and piklet scarfing
Feeling handbags and clothes
Sharing everything like it’s
with myself
Things no one else knows
I’ve been at my lowest
Boy, that was lowest low
And there she was like a shining beacon
Loving me and letting me know
Happy Birthday to my incredible, dynamic, smart, funny, and beautiful sister – I can’t tell you how blessed I feel that you’re a part of MY family! I love you so much xxx
Sometimes I stare blankly at my computer screen, it gives me nothing back and I have nothing in my head. Yet it feels like something is very close…all I have to do is start. Just start somewhere…even if it’s exactly what is in my head – like “sigh”… They say writing is a discipline and this is very true for me. Even though once I’m actually writing I’m sucked into the void, it is sometimes a struggle to start. I love writing and get lost in the whirlwind of it all, and then wonder – why am I so resistant at times? Am I worried my words will get used up? I won’t have anything to write? And I have to mentally slap myself on the wrist – how shallow I am to think I would have experienced and felt everything there is to feel and experience so I could write about it.
The world and universe are far greater than the capacity my brain has to understand all things. I really am but a grain of sand in the big picture of things. We all are – but grains of sand make stunning beaches and pieces of paradise when put together….I wonder if there is something we should be learning from this? And who would’ve thought that a mere grain of sand on its’ own also had the power to change perspectives. That paradise beach is not so out of reach for the human race – if only we all stuck together to keep paradise a paradise…
She gazes across
an icy panacea
The kestrel above
calls when he sees her
The sun, though present,
is fractionated
It’s warmth not worth
being appreciated
A tumble of Schnauzers
race to greet her
A ten out of ten
on the Cute-O-Meter
Gazing liquid eyes
desperate to be touched
It was nobodys’ wonder why
she loved them so much
Their little furry faces
had such a lot to say
She couldn’t imagine being
without them
every single day
Although things weren’t perfect
in a very imperfect life
And she would have no more children
and may never be a wife
But the beauty all around her
and the freedom that she loved
Was all that she had asked for
from the Universe above
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