I’ll take the world
off your shoulders
Take me to bed
tonight
We can lose our
harsh reality
we’ll make love
by candlelight
© Kait King, 2015
I’ll take the world
off your shoulders
Take me to bed
tonight
We can lose our
harsh reality
we’ll make love
by candlelight
© Kait King, 2015
So now, sick of being shoved from pillar to post and being basically bullied into corners, we have decided to go legal….My sister has been an incredible force. There is no way in heaven or earth I would have been able to do all the paperwork and appointments on my own – or at all – actually. She took all of that worry and confusion away from me.
We were fighting for me to have the correct amount of a serious medication called Pregabalin – and I need the most you can take and a little Morphine thrown in here and there, just to keep those pain centres quiet. And I’m like, “Hell yeah! Shut those fuckers down!” Hoping for a miracle and getting as close to that as I could with a lot of the “noise” pain being dampened. I still have severe pain in my back/hip/sciatica and the odd chest pain that incapacitates me too, but certainly not the constant stabs all over the left hand side of my body that was exhausting. And my right eye socket was so incredibly painful I couldn’t open my eye and I wanted to literally rip it out, or smash my head in. I used to pinch the skin next to the internal pain in my chest where the nerve damage is and also dig my thumb deep in to my eye socket to at least change the pain. I know I can’t be free of it at this stage, but at least not have the same gnawing hits. Anyway, I digress…so we go to see this lawyer and he’s fantastic. He’s onto it, he knows what needs to happen, what we need to get or locate etc. This is great as we needed this guidance and the clout that the lawyer gave us. The hardest part – well, there were two to be perfectly honest. The first hard part was actually going to talk to this lawyer – with such a complicated case there is so much information that needs to be assessed. And this is the firm to be doing this, but I was so fragile BeFoRe I left the bloody house! I felt overwhelmed, I cried and had to put my mascara back on – it didn’t help. I think I was in disbelief that after all these years and after all of our struggle on our own, someone was going to listen and possibly help.
Anyway, the second part is this; while you are the client/patient/victim/however you wish to see yourself, people get so involved in the complications of my case that they talk as if I am no longer present.My sister and the lawyer started chatting, I’m on so much medication and in so much pain I lay on his couch with a glass of water as my meds give me major cotton-mouth. So the hardest part of all of this (and it sounds sooooo not hard), but was listening to my sister and the lawyer “discuss” my case which made me feel like I wasn’t even there – and to be perfectly honest, I’m not when I’m on such medication.
But it also didn’t change the fact that I had to listen to how permanent my situation is, that there is nothing anyone can do and it’s just a matter of medicating her, sorting out what help I need and the physio required to “rehabilitate” me – world’s largest joke if that is supposed to be happening right now…because all I have felt is re-victimised, unworthy of help, forgotten and just a number. It’s not ok, the 2 medical misadventures I’ve had, it’s not ok to be abandoned by your so-called insurance company, it’s not ok when someone botches something, that they never have to own up – ever. The guy who ripped my nerves in my chest in 1998 is now the “golden boy” of thoracic surgery….how the hell did that happen? And I often wonder to myself if he would remember me – more than likely not. I daydream about getting an apology – a genuine “so sorry I fucked up” apology. I have waited since 1998 – I can wait some more….

This is not a Horror Movie
This is Real Life
Where a Mother kills her Child
or a Husband kills a Wife
© Kait King, 2016

Death by fright
3 am in the night
when slimy things
crawl with evil
intention
where Coffin Flies fly
and the sky is a scar
that’s all you get to look at
not to mention
a stinking mattress and
a heavy clanking chain
she saw what he did to the other girls’ brain
A frantic
frenzied
desperate head
pleading, begging, wishing
to be dead
Haunting
hurting
watching eyes
that cut glass with spite
coming for you
strangling life
killing you with fright
© Kait King, 2015

So my life goes on
without you
every day I
feel the pain
sleeping in our bed
without you
sunshine just
turned to rain
In your world
do I take up space?
Am I somewhere
in your mind?
Have I got a
special place
even though you
left me behind?
© Kait King, 2015

Does anyone else
ever feel
That this world
isn’t real?
That you know
you don’t belong
Perhaps the ‘Big Guy’
got it wrong
This is not
where you’re meant
to be
Running on the
hamster wheel –
trapped
and not free
Do you ever
think to yourself:
“I am the ostracized alien
I am the one
who doesn’t
fit in!”
And decide to make
a concerted effort
But remain
disappointed
So you retreat
and think,
“Fuck it”
© Kait King, 2016

© Kait King, 2015
What is there
to say?
I can’t force you
to stay
I don’t want you to
feel bad
So I try real hard not to
be sad
And I smile and wave to you
goodbye
As I turn, my smile slips and
I just cry
© Kait King, 2016

Prince –
Royalty to Sound
Beautiful brain and
a sweet Heart
With Mastery over Music
and a Legend with Lyrics
A Revolutionary of Rock
A Mover of Spirits
Philanthropist of
a World torn
with Blessings unknown
Taken but not left entirely alone
True to Help someone
in a desperate pinch
That is the Man,
the Symbol of Prince
© Kait King, 2016
Break my heart, why don’t you
I know you didn’t choose to leave
I don’t see you anymore
and it’s hard to believe
you’re not here
with me
now
I can’t hear what you say
your words are in the way
I know what you really mean
It is me
that you
don’t want to be seen
with
Break my heart, why don’t you
you’ve not told me what I want to hear
You’ve spoken to me and for you
it’s crystal
clear
But I keep hanging on
hope makes you all mine
but somewhere in my lonely heart
I know you
will fade
in
time
© Kait King, 2016

With a pepper spray surprise
you punch the air out of me
The wet fish in the face they talk about
was a coelacanth of ancient emotions
dug from days beyond myself
beyond my soul
beyond what I knew love to be
The fluke of flowers given me
rise like a tidal wave of pungent perfume
swamping me in dizzying, no –
spell-binding and trance-like memories
and the melodies
that remind
me of you
© Kait King, 2015 – Excerpt from My See-Through Mind

Love stolen
seconds
Sweat laden
moments
Breathing bubble
love
We don’t
own it
Touch tender
minutes
Hand holding
days
Whisperings of
feelings
Love frenzied
craze
© Kait King, 2015

Write Kait
Write Kait
Write some more
So I spread my mind
Like the legs of a
whore
Make yourself write, Kait
It’s not at your leisure
Even being forced
could be a hidden pleasure
Type Kait
Type Kait
And type some more
so my fingers
fly over keys
of some succulent score
© Kait King, 2016

My world breathes
a sigh
and Spring blows
over the rain
Sun bleeds
her way in
I can’t wait
for Summer
again
© Kait King, 2015

I will never take advantage
of you
here,have mine
I will never take you
for granted
Please, take all of
my time
I will always
give you love
there,
keep my heart
I will always
be here with you
Here is where
we start
© Kait King, 2015

Your greatness
waits inside you
Like a volcano’s giant core
And you will surprise everybody, love
They’ll look at you in awe
They will see that passion in you
That light you need to shine
Keep walking the walk you walk, my son
Very soon will come your time
© Kait King, 2015

He could see
and feel
a slavering beast
He could smell it’s
breath
see it’s sharpened
yellow teeth
It wanted him
to do
bad things
It felt like the
Devil with Hate
Not his usual state
of being
but any Angel
with wings
was going to be too late
It said that nobody
nobody
gave
two shits
And do everyone a
favor
Go ahead
slit your wrists
Kait King 2016

Twisted
lying in bed
watching
a moon
wishing
I had you
here
touching skin
to spoon
© Kait King, 2015
You’ve broken my heart
no,
you’ve ripped it apart
and just left it
over there
shoving it in my face
that you don’t care
no,
that you never did
as a woman
a man
or a kid
no….
you never did
© Kait King, 2015

I’m torn
my soul says
fly, my love
as high as you can
My heart begs
you to stay
as close as you can
to me
I’m torn
my mind says
you must grow
you must be
I let you go
I let you be
I let you be free
© Kait King, 2016

My Dad and Me
It was so sad
to watch you fade
your mind
as sharp as a knife
It was so hard
to say goodbye
To such a treasured life
It made me smile
to think on you a while
and on how you loved
your wife
Your children given
all you had
you gave
a treasured life
It seems that you
are still here
although you can’t
be seen
I often talk to you
And not just
in my dreams
I hope I told you
I loved you enough
I hope you know
how much I cared
And I know
one day,
I’ll see you again
Somewhere over there…
© Kait King, 2015

You never quite
got to be here
You never quite
got to breathe in air
I never quite
got to touch
your face
take you home
show you
your place
I never quite
got to watch you grow
I never quite
got to get to know
you,
your love
I never quitegot to hold
your tiny hand
or do anything elsethat I had planned
I’ll never quitehear you say
“Mum, you were right!”
Or get to readbedtime stories
at night
You’ll never quitemiss me
when I am not there
Sadly, our lives,this time,
we’ll not share…
© Kait King, 2015
I breathe feelings
I dance emotions
and coddle dreams
I rap time
if it’s mine
and wander the roads
of forever
I trickle into hearts
sometimes I’m poured
sometimes it’s voracious
sometimes
bored
The mystical flow
of the words that glow
in the firelight
faces wait
breath held in
anticipation
waiting on
the words of love
so soft
so real
so true
I feel them
Can you feel them too?
© Kait King, 2015

I didn’t want to
lay back
in the director’s
chair
I didn’t want to
take off my clothes
to help me get “up there”
I didn’t want to be
just bouncy breasts
on TV
I didn’t want my body
out there
for all to see
So I didn’t take
the money
I didn’t get
the job
not for any other reason
than I wouldn’t
suck his knob
© Kait King, 2015

With such confusion
I’m walking through a jungle
of desert
Holding
like a dam of emotion
my feelings –
when really I want to be
the river
rushing to meet and make
an ocean of you
Falling so crashingly in love
will it be a bad landing?
I draw our names
in the sand
and you carve your place
in my heart
© Kait King, 2015

Somehow you get through – it’s not even that you learn to live with these things – they stay in our lives forever as part of who we are. In fact these are the things that make us who we are. They used to say this kind of suffering was character building. That may or may not be so, for me, it allows great reflection and understanding of my capacity to love and give love and in turn what it means to lose that.
One of the annoying things friends and family expect, is for you to “get over it” after a certain amount of time – whatever that time is. But there is nothing to get over. You can’t just imagine it’s behind you – things are not behind us, they are all a part of us. We carry them with the sum of ourselves. Maybe by putting things behind us we let our guard down, we love too easily again, we get hurt so much more because of that. Taking the good and the bad experiences is what makes you the person you are. Are you a fighter? Do you run away? Are you persistent? Do you give up? Whatever you do, you have to live with it – you don’t learn to live with it – there is no manual. You have no choice, choice has been removed from this section of your life and a loss of some kind has left a crater and a giant rock in the same place. Luckily the giant rock plugs up a lot of the feelings for a while – this is often known as shock. Eventually the putridness of your trapped feelings in this hole in your heart starts building up a mass of toxic gasses which must be expelled. This build up, over any period of time (as long as it takes you), causes a massive explosion. The giant rock is blasted apart from the hole in your heart. The tiny splinters of angst, hurt, devotion, honor,disbelief, love and any other betrayed related feeling you can imagine, is dug deeply into your heart and mind. Each little splinter of that pain has barbs of doubt, guilt and confusion holding them in place in your heart. And we can’t let go or it can’t let go of us or we don’t give ourselves permission to keep moving forward even though we are cemented in that time of tragedy and know that’s impossible, isn’t it?
The hard part is learning to navigate around these losses, grievances and betrayals, eventually like a powerful river we keep flowing around these rocks of hurt that seem like they will never shift or move. But they do erode – the erosion is so subtle and slow we don’t even notice and so it is, I believe, with tragedy, loss and grief; be that for a living being or a relationship of any kind. Loss leaves a big hole and a giant rock that you drag around with you all the time. Afterwards we question everything said and done, what could have been different, the “if only’s” and the “what if’s” with hopeless, empty dreams. Nothing can be changed. It is what it is, but I know I fight against this too, even though I understand the futility of the fight!
I think only in time will I manage to erode down that rock of loss, will I be able to take the sharp edges off and flow a little easier around the things put in my way that I have no way of changing. Perhaps time won’t heal the wounds, but perhaps time allows my river of life to smooth the edges of hurt. Perhaps it lets me build up strength so that I can push past that hurt easier, every time I have to go past that hurt again. Because it doesn’t go away….

A lisp
a whispered hiss
With a gristle hustle
and a deathly shuffle
you wind your way
back home
There’s a twist
and a freakish glow
in a freak show
the decaying beat
of a drum
hiss
a whispered kiss
of a driveling fool
your hunting days
are done
this
flayed lantern skins
bones used as tools
a soup bowl
not a soup bowl
but
a human skull
© Kait King, 2015

Time
leapt away
from me…
It left me
behind,
behind some
enemy line…
Time
jumped
like a rabbit
down a dark hole…
skittishly aware
of the scar
on my Soul
© Kait King, 2016
It’s 22 past 2
What am I here for?
And can’t I leave?
But do you really want to?
I have to go
Are you clear in the sight of all things?
I see nothing
I feel him
I need to –
No
I have to go!
I don’t want to be deserted
Well I want to be the deserter –
It won’t hurt so much
© Kait King, 2016

I wonder what my reaction
would be
if I came home and had
to see
you with someone that was
not me?
Would I stay or
would I flee?
The four stages
of shock
when you find someone else
locked
on the end of your man’s
cock
and you need a loaded
Glock
So do you stand quietly
by the door
do you want to
watch some more
or
do you want to scream at her
she’s a whore
or collapse on
the floor or
walk out?
Do you do it all
real calmly
like you don’t really
want it to be
“Would you like a cup of tea?”
“Would you please explain to me?”(tearfully)
That would be nice
but it’s not me
This is more
my reality
“I’m gonna kill the both of you for free!”
“How could you do this to me?” (insanely)
But a gun wouldn’t leave me
in doubt…
© Kait King, 2015
Scribble me
into your life
Pen me
into your mind
Feel me
in tactile braille
So I can read you
if I’m blind
Then, touch me with
a purity – like
a crisp white paper sheet
Write me
into a love story
Our blending ink –
A story complete
© Kait King, 2016
Please don’t pick me
not again
I’m terrified
so frightened I can’t
breathe
It hurts and I can’t
see
through the tears
I don’t know
I’m crying
Universe,
Please stop me
now
before it’s too late
and time
steals you away
from me
too brief
too painful
this I can’t do
Please,
Please Universe
don’t pick me
© Kait King, 2015

When we are
touching skin
when you have
let me in
With a dream-like
essence
I feel your
presence
the heat from
your skin
when you let me in
I know there
are no lies
I can see it
in your blue eyes
I can feel it
from your mouth
I can hear it in
your blazing skin
when you let me in
the goose bumps on
your flesh
and our kiss
can only express
we are so lost
it must be a sin
but only when
you let me in
© Kait King, 2015

Just to be painless
I need to
be numb
Just to be painless
I must be
made dumb
I can’t connect
but just lie
in a bed
Life laughs
at my bet
Just to be painless
I can’t be me
Just to be painless
I can’t be free
Just to be painless
and live a life
I wanted to live
The purpose
that would give
Just to be painless…
© Kait King, 2016

I’ve often wondered why just about everything we discuss has to be blah blah blah OR blah blah blah… Why can’t it be both? Why is it not possible that these things are symbiotic? Co-morbid? Dual catalysts? I listen to people discuss the big question of how we got here. The options, in this conversation, may I be so polite, are:
Okay, so everybody’s got a point and nobody has the answer so there is some validity of possibility in each perspective. Especially if you consider the human to be made up of physical, mental and spiritual capacities and needs, which I do. And in this debate there is even more than two sides to contemplate. So each individual has solid, understandable reasons – well within reason, and are glued to the ground on what those reasons are and why. The discussion becomes what people like to call “heated”. I, totally unlike my robust debatable self, still did not get involved. I could hear the rising of offensiveness from each party as the others poo-poo’ed each others perspectives and theories. It wasn’t going to end well, nobody likes to be poo-poo’ed.
After the hoo-ha and everyone had left, my man and I plonked ourselves in front of the television, grateful for the calm noise and not the hysterical noise. Everyone would get over it but it was always the same with the topic of how we got here, not just with people I knew, but many will argue these points to the enth degree, with really, no real evidence to be honest.
So for me, I decided that being only human, I really knew sweet F.A and to tie it up nicely in my head, I just gather all of that info and think that maybe we were created by some super entity as a 3rd rock, as a planet within a universe. But that was all, then one of the stars in that universe, with life in it, crashed into this 3rd rock and was the prime delight to allow things to flourish and grow, and so it did. And things did evolve and become this amazing exotic world we are fortunate enough to live on now.
Why can’t everyone be right? They can be right somewhere in a time continuum of the human development and creation. They just all need to put their stories together. But like I say, nobody has the answers, and maybe we don’t even find out a bloody thing when we die and still know jack-shit (a good friend of mine)…
The other thing people tend to do this with is my favorite topic – serial killers. For some inane reason we have to ask whether it is nature OR nurture….it’s both for dog’s sake. If you could take a serial killer as a baby and nurture him in a certain way you will either bring out or highlight the best or the worst of that character. What I think we need to realize is that this is a possibility for every child as again, everybody has the capacity to kill, it just depends on how that is brought out in you. For some people, all that has to happen for them to pull out a gun and kill someone, is an insult outside of a bar. For others (myself included) I would have to be in a situation where my life or the life of someone was threatened and they were being hurt. Then I become the killer. We all sit somewhere on that continuum and depending on how we are treated is how we will react. But at the end of the day, intention, mens rea, is everything. So for me it is both, not one or the other in this instance too. I’ve been finding out in my life that things are not always black and white. Human beings are complex, emotional beings with such a variety of combinations of everything that it is impossible to label or put people in boxes. It just doesn’t work like that.
But I must stop rambling now – I have so much I could scribble about – but I will not bore you with my ranting and raving. I put my soapbox away…;) thanks for reading though, if you got through it!
With a delicate stillness
and a quiet noise
with porcelain perfection
and perfect China poise
the body is supine
lying dead on the floor
supine in exsanguination
a choice to become Death’s whore
Ruby red your favourite colour
you wear it very well
although I won’t see you out much
a story we will tell
Did you get off scot-free?
Did you truly escape?
Or will you have to pay your dues
and return to this landscape…
© Kait King, 2015

At lunch today
I fell a little more
in love with you
Your smile grazes the
inside of my heart with
such passion
At lunch today
your blue eyes brighter
for seeing me
Sparkling over
sparkling water
with just a hint
of lemon
that cannot sour
our chemistry
At lunch today
while I watched you
talk
I followed your lips
watched your mouth
heard nothing
and thought just
about kissing
I love having
Lunch with you
© Kait King, 2017
I don’t want to be here
I don’t want to be here alone
I don’t want to be here alone
in my empty zone
I want to love
I want to love again
I want to love again and be free of all this pain
I can’t do it
I can’t just let it go
I can’t just let it go and
pretend I didn’t know
My soul aches
My soul and my heart ache badly
They ache for man’s cruel inhumanity
I’m a seeker
I’m a seeker of love,
peace, and harmony
I’m a seeker –
please tell me
you’ll follow me
© Kait King, 2015

You look at me
with such
tranquility
I believe perfection
sits here with us
I look at you
with such
admiration
to have entertained me enough
to still sit here
with me
© Kait King, 2016

Hi babe
There you are lying –
fast asleep
You are softly snoring
and my heart still
misses a beat
As the love in me
is so great
there is nothing I need
to contemplate
This is how you are to me
in all your vulnerability
but you will always be safe with me
if you can love – it will set you free
© Kait King, 2015