I need one of those dogs

i need one of those dogs

Listening quietly

in the dawn

of the day

My mind

playing games

that my heart

won’t play

Watching us still

in the dark

of my mind

waiting for someone

I can’t seem to find

Holding this close

Not wanting to lose

Making the choice

and then having

to choose

As the falling rain

dampens my heart

I can’t seem to see

Was I blind

from the start?

© Kait King, 2015

Do or Don’t, Can or Can’t

Don't you

Don’t you leave me

left behind

Don’t you cut me

out of your mind

Can’t you see you’re here all alone?

Can’t you hear your heart say

This is home?

Don’t you hurt me for ever more

Don’t you walk away

and leave it all

You can’t hold me like that

then let me go

There’s something more

that you don’t know…

© Kait King, 2015

I’ve chosen not to

i've chosen not to

I’ve chosen not to wear my grief and despair

like shards of broken glass or snapped razor blades

on my less-than-me person

I’ve chosen not to hurt others although my pain has

an enormous capacity for imagination or

is that fantasist?

Dissociation, dissonance, disappointment –

I can use it to carve my poor heart a poorer shape

Should I?

I’ve chosen not to

This pain would hurt less

but I don’t need for others to feel

I would rather shelter and protect

Keep safe and trapped those imaginary

demons – who will come to hover like eye-poking

vultures in their scruffiness as I lie here

in the night

Keeping that evil, seeping, energy-sucking

succubus of hurt from me

Arms length – keeping strength

and land stretches towards me

the sand and sea – it pulls away

living is movement not breathing

and earth ties me to a life of dirt

Sunshine and lollipops –

a distraction

merely a time-waster

ball-breaker, man-hater, life-taker

I’ve chosen not to…

© Kait King, 2015

Andy’s Addiction

Andy's addiction

Andy has a problem

he doesn’t know what to do

there’s a monkey glued to his back

and it’s really chewing through

his heart,

his bank account,

his tired soul

Andy has a problem

he doesn’t know how to say

that he doesn’t want to be here

not for another single day

of hurt,

of frustration,

in an angered mind

Andy knows this problem

he knows what he should do

but it wraps him up and chokes him

and he can’t see his way through

another single day

with no way

to feel

Andy can’t reach out for help

that would just mean pain

How can he reach out for help

when his hand is trapped

by shame

and addiction

and fear

© Kait King, 2015

You know you know…..

you know you know

You already know –

You know you’ve

known for ages

But just didn’t

want to look into that ugly face

or go to that ugly place

You knew months ago

when he was angry with you

when all you did

was be excited he was home

and he turned his back

and left you there alone

You already knew

when you could

smell the hint of perfumes

that you know you

don’t wear

Those whispered

phone calls

He doesn’t want you

to hear

You already know –

you know you’ve known

for ages

but just didn’t

want to look

into that ugly lying face

or go to that ugly empty place

© Kait King, 2015

The standing joke

Standing joke

It’s the joker they see

but they’re laughing at me

It won’t show where it really hurts

on the inside

So you’re the stand-up comic

but the joke’s on me

It won’t make any difference

‘cos what you say

is what they see

But when the bell rings

and your playtime is over

who will care and help you mend?

And when I need a friend

to stick to the end

the last person I’d look for

is you

© Kait King, 2015

Does Anyone Ever

Does anyone ever

Does anyone else

ever feel

That this world

isn’t real?

That you know

you don’t belong

Perhaps the ‘Big Guy’

got it wrong

This is not

where you’re meant

to be

Running on the

hamster wheel –

trapped

and not free

Do you ever

think to yourself:

“I am the ostracized alien

I am the one

who doesn’t

fit in!”

And decide to make

a concerted effort

But remain

disappointed

So you retreat

and think,

“Fuck it”

© Kait King, 2016

Whoever you are

I just want you to know

that you are not alone

I know it sounds empty –

we can’t talk

I can’t hug you

I can’t invite you into my home

But I need you to know

that there is someone out there

someone who also feels the same

is sick of the same game

and shares the same fears

If I can make you understand

this is not what defines you

but the choices you make

from this day forward

even when you don’t know

what to do

© Kait King, 2015