A Tortured Soul

Tortured soul

I know I’ve never loved

anyone, anywhere

in any way even

close to the way

I love you

I’ve never hurt

anyone, anywhere

in any way

more than I’ve tortured myself

about you

© Kait King, 2015

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Andy’s Addiction

Andy's addiction

Andy has a problem

he doesn’t know what to do

there’s a monkey glued to his back

and it’s really chewing through

his heart,

his bank account,

his tired soul

Andy has a problem

he doesn’t know how to say

that he doesn’t want to be here

not for another single day

of hurt,

of frustration,

in an angered mind

Andy knows this problem

he knows what he should do

but it wraps him up and chokes him

and he can’t see his way through

another single day

with no way

to feel

Andy can’t reach out for help

that would just mean pain

How can he reach out for help

when his hand is trapped

by shame

and addiction

and fear

© Kait King, 2015

I’ve chosen not to

i've chosen not to

I’ve chosen not to wear my grief and despair

like shards of broken glass or snapped razor blades

on my less-than-me person

I’ve chosen not to hurt others although my pain has

an enormous capacity for imagination or

is that fantasist?

Dissociation, dissonance, disappointment –

I can use it to carve my poor heart a poorer shape

Should I?

I’ve chosen not to

This pain would hurt less

but I don’t need for others to feel

I would rather shelter and protect

Keep safe and trapped those imaginary

demons – who will come to hover like eye-poking

vultures in their scruffiness as I lie here

in the night

Keeping that evil, seeping, energy-sucking

succubus of hurt from me

Arms length – keeping strength

and land stretches towards me

the sand and sea – it pulls away

living is movement not breathing

and earth ties me to a life of dirt

Sunshine and lollipops –

a distraction

merely a time-waster

ball-breaker, man-hater, life-taker

I’ve chosen not to…

© Kait King, 2015

The standing joke

Standing joke

It’s the joker they see

but they’re laughing at me

It won’t show where it really hurts

on the inside

So you’re the stand-up comic

but the joke’s on me

It won’t make any difference

‘cos what you say

is what they see

But when the bell rings

and your playtime is over

who will care and help you mend?

And when I need a friend

to stick to the end

the last person I’d look for

is you

© Kait King, 2015

Pick me

pickme

Please don’t pick me

not again

I’m terrified

so frightened I can’t

breathe

It hurts and I can’t

see

through the tears I don’t know

I’m crying

Universe,

Please stop me

now

before it’s too late

and time

steals you away

from me

too brief

to painful

this I can’t do

Please,

Please Universe

don’t pick me

© Kait King, 2015

Crime of Passion

Nils_Dardel_Crime_passionnel

I wonder what my reaction would be

if I came home and had to see

you with someone that was not me?

Would I stay or would I flee?

The four stages of shock

when you find someone else locked

on the end of your man’s cock

and you need a loaded Glock

So do you stand quietly by the door

do want to watch some more or

do you want to scream at her she’s a whore

or collapse on the floor or

walk out?

Do you do it all real calmly

like you don’t really want it to be

“Would you like a cup of tea?”

“Would you please explain to me?”(tearfully)

That would be nice but it’s not me

This is more my reality

“I’m gonna kill the both of you for free!”

“How could you do this to me?” (insanely)

But a gun wouldn’t leave me in doubt

© Kait King, 2015

You know you know…..

you know you know

You already know –

You know you’ve

known for ages

But just didn’t

want to look into that ugly face

or go to that ugly place

You knew months ago

when he was angry with you

when all you did

was be excited he was home

and he turned his back

and left you there alone

You already knew

when you could

smell the hint of perfumes

that you know you

don’t wear

Those whispered

phone calls

He doesn’t want you

to hear

You already know –

you know you’ve known

for ages

but just didn’t

want to look

into that ugly lying face

or go to that ugly empty place

© Kait King, 2015

Oh no, I can’t get over it…

Getting over it - whatever

Somehow you get through – it’s not even that you learn to live with these things – they stay in our lives forever as part of who we are. In fact these are the things that make us who we are. They used to say this kind of suffering was character building. That may or may not be so, for me, it allows great reflection and understanding of my capacity to love and give love and in turn what it means to lose that.

One of the annoying things friends and family expect, is for you to “get over it” after a certain amount of time – whatever that time is. But there is nothing to get over. You can’t just imagine it’s behind you – things are not behind us, they are all a part of us. We carry them with the sum of ourselves. Maybe by putting things behind us we let our guard down, we love too easily again, we get hurt so much more because of that. Taking the good and the bad experiences is what makes you the person you are. Are you a fighter? Do you runaway? Are you persistent? Do you give up? Whatever you do, you have to live with it – you don’t learn to live with it – there is no manual. You have no choice, choice has been removed from this section of your life and a loss of some kind has left a crater and a giant rock in the same place. Luckily the giant rock plugs up a lot of the feelings for a while – this is often known as shock. Eventually the putridness of your trapped feelings in this hole in your heart starts building up a mass of toxic gasses which must be expelled. This build up, over any period of time (as long as it takes you), causes a massive explosion. The giant rock is blasted apart from the hole in your heart. The tiny splinters of angst, hurt, devotion, honor,disbelief, love and any other betrayed related feeling you can imagine, is dug deeply into your heart and mind. Each little splinter of that pain has barbs of doubt, guilt and confusion holding them in place in your heart. And we can’t let go or it can’t let go of us or we don’t give ourselves permission to keep moving forward even though we are cemented in that time of tragedy and know that’s impossible, isn’t it?

The hard part is learning to navigate around these losses, grievances and betrayals, eventually like a powerful river we keep flowing around these rocks of hurt that seem like they will never shift or move. But they do erode – the erosion is so subtle and slow we don’t even notice and so it is, I believe, with tragedy, loss and grief; be that for a living being or a relationship of any kind. Loss leaves a big hole and a giant rock that you drag around with you all the time. Afterwards we question everything said and done, what could have been different, the “if only’s” and the “what if’s” with hopeless, empty dreams. Nothing can be changed. It is what it is, but I know I fight against this too, even though I understand the futility of the fight!

I think only in time will I manage to erode down that rock of loss, will I be able to take the sharp edges off and flow a little easier around the things put in my way that I have no way of changing. Perhaps time won’t heal the wounds, but perhaps time allows my river of life to smooth the edges of hurt. Perhaps it lets me build up strength so that I can push past that hurt easier, every time I have to go past that hurt again. Because it doesn’t go away….

Whoever you are

I just want you to know

that you are not alone

I know it sounds empty –

we can’t talk

I can’t hug you

I can’t invite you into my home

But I need you to know

that there is someone out there

someone who also feels the same

is sick of the same game

and shares the same fears

If I can make you understand

this is not what defines you

but the choices you make

from this day forward

even when you don’t know

what to do

© Kait King, 2015

I need one of those dogs

i need one of those dogs

Listening quietly in

the dawn of the day

My mind playing games

that my heart won’t play

Watching us still

in the dark of my mind

waiting for someone I can’t seem to find

Holding this close

Not wanting to lose

Making the choice

and then having to choose

As the falling rain

dampens my heart

I can’t seem to see

Was I blind from the start?

© Kait King, 2015