that’s crap….you let her change you like that…

golddigger

It doesn’t matter

if you wrote it

in a letter

caught a plane to

come and get her

Think you really

could do better

Sorry for the day man,

that you met her

she took your money

coz you let her

now that time is just

a blur together

and you look like

you’ve been through

the shredder

© Kait King, 2015

Urban Dismay

urban-dismay

The city streets

look oh so sleek

but only when

it rains

Below the glitterati

Porsche

Benz

Maserati

In the parking basement

remain

Below even that

expensive, unreal mat

broken people

who never

have gain

No cash in the casino

No boat in the marina

And no money

to hide

their pain

© Kait King, 2016

If I could…

if i could

If I could cut out your

heart

This is how it would

feel

And the music will tell

you

How come it’s so

real

If I could cry with your

eyes

This is how it would

feel

And the words that I

sing

Is how come it’s so

real

© Kait King, 2015

I can’t help it

I can't help it

Lonely words

on a hungry page

I see you through

a love-drenched haze

I’ll make it through

the crying days

I can’t help it that I love you

Bleeding heart

in a tortured mind

I never thought

You could be unkind

But I ll make it through

the hurting time

I can’t help it that I love you

© Kait King, 2015

I’ve chosen not to

i've chosen not to

I’ve chosen not to wear my grief and despair

like shards of broken glass or snapped razor blades

on my less-than-me person

I’ve chosen not to hurt others although my pain has

an enormous capacity for imagination or

is that fantasist?

Dissociation, dissonance, disappointment –

I can use it to carve my poor heart a poorer shape

Should I?

I’ve chosen not to

This pain would hurt less

but I don’t need for others to feel

I would rather shelter and protect

Keep safe and trapped those imaginary

demons – who will come to hover like eye-poking

vultures in their scruffiness as I lie here

in the night

Keeping that evil, seeping, energy-sucking

succubus of hurt from me

Arms length – keeping strength

and land stretches towards me

the sand and sea – it pulls away

living is movement, not breathing

and earth ties me to a life of dirt

Sunshine and lollipops –

a distraction

merely a time-waster

ball-breaker, man-hater, life-taker

I’ve chosen not to…

© Kait King, 2015

Andy’s Addiction

Andy's addiction

Andy has a problem

he doesn’t know what to do

there’s a monkey glued to his back

and it’s really chewing through

his heart,

his bank account,

his tired soul.

Andy has a problem

he doesn’t know how to say

that he doesn’t want to be here

not for another single day

of hurt,

of frustration,

in an angered mind.

Andy knows this problem

he knows what he should do

but it wraps him up and chokes him

and he can’t see his way through

another single day

with no way

to feel.

Andy can’t reach out for help

that would just mean pain

How can he reach out for help

when his hand is trapped

by shame

and addiction

and fear.

© Kait King, 2015

You know you know…..

you know you know

You already know –

You know you’ve

known for ages

But just didn’t

want to look into

that ugly face

or go to that

ugly place

You knew months ago

when he was angry with you

when all you did

was be excited he was home

and he turned his back

and left you there alone

You already knew

when you could

smell the hint of perfumes

that you know you

don’t wear

Those whispered

phone calls

He doesn’t want you

to hear

You already know –

you know you’ve known

for ages

but just didn’t

want to look

into that ugly lying face

or go to that

ugly empty place

© Kait King, 2015

The standing joke

Standing joke

It’s the joker they see

But

they’re laughing at me

It won’t show

where it really hurts

on the inside

So you’re the

stand-up comic

But

the joke’s on me

It won’t make

any difference

‘cos what you say

is what they see

But

when the bell rings

and your playtime

is over

who will care

and help you mend?

And when I

need a friend

to stick

to the end

the last person

I’d look for

is you

© Kait King, 2015

The Dance

The Dance

Devil’s dancing

in your eyes

tonight my anger’s

turning

lust related

through your lies

and now my anger’s

burning

Trust deflated

a poor disguise

today my anger’s

hurting

Love forgotten

nowhere to hide

tomorrow my heart

is yearning

© Kait King, 2015

Does Anyone Ever

Does anyone ever

Does anyone else

ever feel

That this world

isn’t real?

That you know

you don’t belong

Perhaps the ‘Big Guy’

got it wrong

This is not

where you’re meant

to be

Running on the

hamster wheel –

trapped

and not free

Do you ever

think to yourself:

“I am the ostracized alien

I am the one

who doesn’t

fit in!”

And decide to make

a concerted effort

But remain

disappointed

So you retreat

and think,

“Fuck it”

© Kait King, 2016

Oh no, I can’t get over it…

Getting over it - whatever

Somehow you get through – it’s not even that you learn to live with these things – they stay in our lives forever as part of who we are. In fact these are the things that make us who we are. They used to say this kind of suffering was character building. That may or may not be so, for me, it allows great reflection and understanding of my capacity to love and give love and in turn what it means to lose that.

One of the annoying things friends and family expect, is for you to “get over it” after a certain amount of time – whatever that time is. But there is nothing to get over. You can’t just imagine it’s behind you – things are not behind us, they are all a part of us. We carry them with the sum of ourselves. Maybe by putting things behind us we let our guard down, we love too easily again, we get hurt so much more because of that. Taking the good and the bad experiences is what makes you the person you are. Are you a fighter? Do you run away? Are you persistent? Do you give up? Whatever you do, you have to live with it – you don’t learn to live with it – there is no manual. You have no choice, choice has been removed from this section of your life and a loss of some kind has left a crater and a giant rock in the same place. Luckily the giant rock plugs up a lot of the feelings for a while – this is often known as shock. Eventually the putridness of your trapped feelings in this hole in your heart starts building up a mass of toxic gasses which must be expelled. This build up, over any period of time (as long as it takes you), causes a massive explosion. The giant rock is blasted apart from the hole in your heart. The tiny splinters of angst, hurt, devotion, honor,disbelief, love and any other betrayed related feeling you can imagine, is dug deeply into your heart and mind. Each little splinter of that pain has barbs of doubt, guilt and confusion holding them in place in your heart. And we can’t let go or it can’t let go of us or we don’t give ourselves permission to keep moving forward even though we are cemented in that time of tragedy and know that’s impossible, isn’t it?

The hard part is learning to navigate around these losses, grievances and betrayals, eventually like a powerful river we keep flowing around these rocks of hurt that seem like they will never shift or move. But they do erode – the erosion is so subtle and slow we don’t even notice and so it is, I believe, with tragedy, loss and grief; be that for a living being or a relationship of any kind. Loss leaves a big hole and a giant rock that you drag around with you all the time. Afterwards we question everything said and done, what could have been different, the “if only’s” and the “what if’s” with hopeless, empty dreams. Nothing can be changed. It is what it is, but I know I fight against this too, even though I understand the futility of the fight!

I think only in time will I manage to erode down that rock of loss, will I be able to take the sharp edges off and flow a little easier around the things put in my way that I have no way of changing. Perhaps time won’t heal the wounds, but perhaps time allows my river of life to smooth the edges of hurt. Perhaps it lets me build up strength so that I can push past that hurt easier, every time I have to go past that hurt again. Because it doesn’t go away….

Crime of Passion

Nils_Dardel_Crime_passionnel

I wonder what my reaction

would be

if I came home and had

to see

you with someone that was

not me?

Would I stay or

would I flee?

The four stages

of shock

when you find someone else

locked

on the end of your man’s

cock

and you need a loaded

Glock

So do you stand quietly

by the door

do you want to

watch some more

or

do you want to scream at her

she’s a whore

or collapse on

the floor or

walk out?

Do you do it all

real calmly

like you don’t really

want it to be

“Would you like a cup of tea?”

“Would you please explain to me?”(tearfully)

That would be nice

but it’s not me

This is more

my reality

“I’m gonna kill the both of you for free!”

“How could you do this to me?” (insanely)

But a gun wouldn’t leave me

in doubt…

© Kait King, 2015

Pick me

pickme

Please don’t pick me

not again

I’m terrified

so frightened I can’t

breathe

It hurts and I can’t

see

through the tears I don’t know

I’m crying

Universe,

Please stop me

now

before it’s too late

and time

steals you away

from me

too brief

to painful

this I can’t do

Please,

Please Universe

don’t pick me

© Kait King, 2015