The days draw painfully long,
my love
without you in it
The night a torturous silence,
my love
when you are not in my bed
A meal for two,
my love
is now a punch in my gut
and I cannot eat a morsel
thank you,
my love
let me thank you for
a lesson learned
As I never would have believed,
my love
that I would never be with you
© Kait King, 2017
Love
A kitchen bitch’s bliss
In my kitchen
like a mad scientist
mixing and concocting
a kitchen bitch’s bliss
I stir the witch’s cauldron
a punch of that
a pinch of this
many mouths share muffled mmmm’s
a kitchen bitch’s bliss
© Kait King, 2015
The River
With such confusion
I’m walking through a jungle
of desert
Holding
like a dam of emotion
my feelings –
when really I want to be
the river
rushing to meet and make
an ocean of you
Falling so crashingly in love
will it be a bad landing?
I draw our names in the sand
and you carve your place in my heart
© Kait King, 2015
A Seeker
I don’t want to be here
I don’t want to be here alone
I don’t want to be here alone in my empty zone
I want to love
I want to love again
I want to love again and be free of all this pain
I can’t do it
I can’t just let it go
I can’t just let it go and pretend I didn’t know
My soul aches
My soul and my heart ache badly
They ache for man’s cruel inhumanity
I’m a seeker
I’m a seeker of love, peace and harmony
I’m a seeker – please tell me you’ll follow me
© Kait King, 2015
No matter what
No matter what you’re gonna say
I’ve gotta try and stay away
to keep my heart
my heart
You scream into my brain
like an uncontrolled speed train
I’ll go insane
I don’t even know my own name
No matter what I try and dream
you make me feel I am unseen
and it just stays the same
in the common denominator game
So we’re wasting all this time
ignoring all the signs
we sit in freeze frame
it just stays the same
I’m the common denominator
in the common denominator game
© Kait King, 2015
Oh no, I can’t get over it…
Somehow you get through – it’s not even that you learn to live with these things – they stay in our lives forever as part of who we are. In fact these are the things that make us who we are. They used to say this kind of suffering was character building. That may or may not be so, for me, it allows great reflection and understanding of my capacity to love and give love and in turn what it means to lose that.
One of the annoying things friends and family expect, is for you to “get over it” after a certain amount of time – whatever that time is. But there is nothing to get over. You can’t just imagine it’s behind you – things are not behind us, they are all a part of us. We carry them with the sum of ourselves. Maybe by putting things behind us we let our guard down, we love too easily again, we get hurt so much more because of that. Taking the good and the bad experiences is what makes you the person you are. Are you a fighter? Do you run away? Are you persistent? Do you give up? Whatever you do, you have to live with it – you don’t learn to live with it – there is no manual. You have no choice, choice has been removed from this section of your life and a loss of some kind has left a crater and a giant rock in the same place. Luckily the giant rock plugs up a lot of the feelings for a while – this is often known as shock. Eventually the putridness of your trapped feelings in this hole in your heart starts building up a mass of toxic gasses which must be expelled. This build up, over any period of time (as long as it takes you), causes a massive explosion. The giant rock is blasted apart from the hole in your heart. The tiny splinters of angst, hurt, devotion, honor,disbelief, love and any other betrayed related feeling you can imagine, is dug deeply into your heart and mind. Each little splinter of that pain has barbs of doubt, guilt and confusion holding them in place in your heart. And we can’t let go or it can’t let go of us or we don’t give ourselves permission to keep moving forward even though we are cemented in that time of tragedy and know that’s impossible, isn’t it?
The hard part is learning to navigate around these losses, grievances and betrayals, eventually like a powerful river we keep flowing around these rocks of hurt that seem like they will never shift or move. But they do erode – the erosion is so subtle and slow we don’t even notice and so it is, I believe, with tragedy, loss and grief; be that for a living being or a relationship of any kind. Loss leaves a big hole and a giant rock that you drag around with you all the time. Afterwards we question everything said and done, what could have been different, the “if only’s” and the “what if’s” with hopeless, empty dreams. Nothing can be changed. It is what it is, but I know I fight against this too, even though I understand the futility of the fight!
I think only in time will I manage to erode down that rock of loss, will I be able to take the sharp edges off and flow a little easier around the things put in my way that I have no way of changing. Perhaps time won’t heal the wounds, but perhaps time allows my river of life to smooth the edges of hurt. Perhaps it lets me build up strength so that I can push past that hurt easier, every time I have to go past that hurt again. Because it doesn’t go away….
It gets murky…
It’s not that I’ve forgotten you, sweet angel of mine, it’s that I just lost myself for a little while. You’ve been there so strong and true. Your arms swallow me safely and I’m grateful, so grateful for you. I couldn’t even see your pain because I couldn’t see through mine – the deep dark cloud of despair. I know it’s not forever, but at the moment, a day is a lifetime
For Jay, my nine year old son (at the time) who had to live with me being there, but not there, for nearly five years. I remember just about nothing of that period of time due to the heavy medication I was on. In the photo above he’s twenty 🙂
When you let me in
When we are
touching skin
when you have
let me in
With a dream-like
essence
I feel your
presence
the heat from
your skin
when you let me in
I know there
are no lies
I can see it
in your blue eyes
I can feel it
from your mouth
I can hear it in
your blazing skin
when you let me in
the goose bumps on
your flesh
and our kiss
can only express
we are so lost
it must be a sin
but only when
you let me in
© Kait King, 2015
My SupaSista
This is for my amazing SupaSista
Who has been my strength throughout
My bestest friend and my sister
I just couldn’t do without
Tea and piklet scarfing
Feeling handbags and clothes
Sharing everything like it’s with myself
Things no one else knows
I’ve been at my lowest
Boy that was lowest low
And there she was like a shining beacon
Loving me and letting me know
Happy Birthday to my incredible, dynamic, smart, funny and beautiful sister – I can’t tell you how blessed I feel that you’re a part of MY family! I love you so much xxx
At Lunch Today
At lunch today
I fell a little more
in love with you
Your smile grazes the
inside of my heart with
such passion
At lunch today
your blue eyes brighter
for seeing me
Sparkling over
sparkling water
with just a hint
of lemon
that cannot sour
our chemistry
At lunch today
while I watched you
talk
I followed your lips
watched your mouth
heard nothing
and thought just
about kissing
I love lunch with you
© Kait King, 2017
A Lovers’ Note
Hi babe
There you are lying –
fast asleep
You are softly snoring
and my heart still
misses a beat
As the love in me
is so great
there is nothing I need
to contemplate
This is how you are to me
in all your vulnerability
but you will always be safe with me
if you can love – it will set you free
© Kait King, 2015
Say it – No…mean it
You say the words
I want to hear
But your actions tell me
loud and clear
that you don’t even
want me here
© Kait King, 2015
A present for a poo – for doggie lovers
It doesn’t matter what you do
chew up my panties
leave a present that’s a poo
bury personal items
dig a deeper hole
drag cow dung inside
pee on the stripper pole
rip up the newspaper
before it’s even read
take up most of the room
in my double bed
chew a cavern in the chair
bark at things that are not there
but I’d like to make it very clear –
There’s nothing I wouldn’t do for you
even though I’m only worth a poo
I really, really do love you 🙂
(Just to make things clear, I’m talking about a dog, not my man!)
© Kait King, 2015
The tumble of Schnauzers mentioned previously in “Be careful what you wish for”, as per request :)
This is Eddie – she is such a smart cookie – look at that wise little face – a fur baby wrapped in cuteness!
This is Patsy and Eds – when they were littlee’s – Patsy on the right and Eds left (obviously!)
This is Eddie sleeping on Patsy ….well, contemplating life, anyway….:)
I need one of those dogs
Listening quietly
in the dawn
of the day
My mind
playing games
that my heart
won’t play
Watching us still
in the dark
of my mind
waiting for someone
I can’t seem to find
Holding this close
Not wanting to lose
Making the choice
and then having
to choose
As the falling rain
dampens my heart
I can’t seem to see
Was I blind
from the start?
© Kait King, 2015
No Way
There’s just no stopping a speeding bullet
straight to the heart
With no clanking armour or a bullet-proof vest
so it rips you apart
There’s just no way to make it unscathed
through the day
with no love and no hope, no string to cling to,
No reason to stay
© Kait King, 2015
Lovers lock
Lovers locked
in this bittersweet
ride
Trapped in the momentum
a beat of the heart
Skipping through hope
not a care in the
world
Lovers locked close
just a boy
and a girl
© Kait King, 2015