![Disappointed Love, 1821. Oil on panel, 24 3/4 x 32 in. (62.8 x 81.2 cm). Inv.: FA.65[O].](https://kaitkingthewriter.blog/wp-content/uploads/2015/05/say-it.jpg?w=300&h=234)
You say the words
I want to hear
But your actions tell me
loud and clear
that you don’t even
want me here
© Kait King, 2015
![Disappointed Love, 1821. Oil on panel, 24 3/4 x 32 in. (62.8 x 81.2 cm). Inv.: FA.65[O].](https://kaitkingthewriter.blog/wp-content/uploads/2015/05/say-it.jpg?w=300&h=234)
You say the words
I want to hear
But your actions tell me
loud and clear
that you don’t even
want me here
© Kait King, 2015
I walk down the aisle
my eyes passing over cards
words springing out
about Mum going
the whole nine yards
And I stop to read a few
The words just seem
insipid
when I think of you,
Mum
A journey into the intrepid
Four babies later
and over 60 years married
Through wars, tonsillitis,
tears and love you tarried
Now, here I am
a mother too
And these words I say: “I love you”
Have also come
from my son’s mouth
and heart
But to say them to you
doesn’t even begin to start
to express what a fantastic Mum you’ve been
You’ve done a good job,
I’m a good human being
So I tell you you’re an amazing Mum
and people are proud
of the job you’ve done!
© Kait King, 2015

I come home
the cat’s at my feet
kids are crying
but there’s nothing made to eat
It’s a hard day at work
with paper knee deep
and the heater’s broken
so I can’t get to sleep
Yet another day comes
we follow like sheep
I can’t find the faith
to make that big leap
I know I shouldn’t take it in
so very, very deep
But it seems to be sort of extra hard
when you aren’t someone who cheats
© Kait King, 2015

You crush me
Yes, you’re bigger
than me
You’d have to be blind
not to see
that you’re twice the size
of me
But I’m getting tired of
being pushed around
I hate the way you always
bring me down
Slutting yourself all over
this town
And I lie here
so crushed – so deep
underground
© Kait King, 2016

But…
I let you in
Nobody
gets in
You’re supposed to stay
not walk away
I shared
everything –
gave you my all
you were supposed to love me
not push me
and watch
me fall
© Kait King, 2016
I just want you to know
that you are not alone
I know it sounds empty –
we can’t talk
I can’t hug you
I can’t invite you into my home
But I need you to know
that there is someone out there
someone who also feels the same
is sick of the same game
and shares the same fears
If I can make you understand
this is not what defines you
but the choices you make
from this day forward
even when you don’t know
what to do
© Kait King, 2015

What cruel god
sent you to me
dark hair
dark eyes
dark soul
What fallen angel
turned on me
bitter anger
bitter words
bitter mind
What desperado
begged to be
the embittered mind
and darkened soul
in me
© Kait King, 2015
I hit rock bottom
I sat on that bottom rock
weeds and roots
tethered me close
and not in a Lovers’ Lock
Catatonic in my despair
broken like a car crash victim
I clutched at straws
and sucked in air
feeling like I needed
Lithium
Overwhelmed by what
I’m not
broken by what I was
fighting what it has to be
a fallen star, a lost cause,
tell it as it is
that old me
will never leave
it’s a part of what makes me
my body may have
let me down
but when I write ,
I’m free
© Kait King, 2015
There’s just no stopping
a speeding bullet
straight to the heart
With no clanking armour
or a bullet-proof vest
so it rips you apart
There’s just no way
to make it unscathed
through the day
with no love and no hope
no string to cling to
No reason to stay
© Kait King, 2015
Love flutters
like a drowning butterfly,
swallowed up
whole –
Struggling to keep my
head above the
ripples of your heart
Yet still wanting to be
hopelessly – no,
recklessly
flung into those depths
drowning…
drowning…
Kait King

It’s your eyes
It’s your mouth
It’s your smile
your heart
your laughter
But it’s my heart
my fear
It’s my love
my hope
That’s what I’m after
Kait King 2017

While she’s trying harder
working it out
all her problems, hangups, pity and
self-doubt
And she tries too hard to achieve
because she’s lonely, angry,
she’s had no love to eat
And as far as this woman knows
it’s like a picture, no – a painting
or a movie, too slow
As far as this woman knows
it’s like fighting the fight
but not a fight that you chose
So she’s crying alone
no sleep at night
I wish I could find her
and tell her –
it will all be all right
© Kait King, 2015

Gingerly I type the words, wondering if I may be the only person who thinks like this. god’s daughter is turning out to be more appalling than horrific, more repulsive than disgusting. I can feel her like black tar in my mind. She calls me to write her out – to layer her like a black wedding cake, all the details – the spiders, the webs, the cockroaches, the mould and dusty aura of her mind. The corners of her life are all in shadow, a shadow I have to be brave enough to step into and feel the darkness that is god’s daughter. She wants to be created but she doesn’t want me – I am nothing to her, just like everyone else.
And she is nothing like me…

This is a true story:
There was this time when I was with the Police, that a small, older woman came to the front counter to report her son missing. Her clothing looked a little disheveled and she was carrying a plastic bag. Although her hair was tied back, plenty of it had escaped and almost floated around her, like a wispy halo. I believe she was of Indian descent and was a little difficult to understand, but it was certainly not impossible. Naturally, this was also compounded by her stress and anxiety of her belief that her son was missing. In briefly assessing the situation I guessed her son would have to be in his late twenties at best, and this was not going to be a child we would be looking for.
So she tells me her son is in Australia and he calls her every day to make sure she is all right as she has had some issues too, with her mental health. But disturbingly he hadn’t contacted her for 4 days. She describes him as the loving son, the good son. On a crumpled piece of paper she’s handed me, is an Australian phone number, his passport number, and a photocopied driver’s licence picture but no license details. She’s pleading with me to find him – like any mother, she just wants to know her boy is OK. I see the confusion and fear in her eyes and feel compelled to do whatever I can to help her. So I show her a place to sit and go back into the offices to dig around, both with the phone calls and the data base surely I will be able to give her an answer. And after that there is a lot more to do but I’m hoping it doesn’t have to go that far.
I call the number she’s given me and ask if her son lives there and is employed there as the manager of the backpackers hostel. According to his mother, he’s been working there for 3 years – y’know, he gets cheap or free accommodation for managing the place. Yet according to the person who answered the phone this was not the case. Her son, let’s call him Mike, had not worked there for two years at least. It was the owner I was talking to, so I just scratched around the surface to find out if he was worth digging – and he was, as I found some interesting, although sad, information.
So the owner of the backpackers hostel tells me this; Mike left the job two years ago because his mother found out where he worked. She was mentally unstable and harassed him and called the cops on him numerous times even though he was just trying to quietly live his life and get on with it. She told the cops he was suicidal or had killed someone or was going to be killed.
Also, Mike sent her money every month too, to help her cover bills and have a better life. The hostel owner understood she was under care and lived in a particular place, but he couldn’t say where. He believed she had been diagnosed as schizophrenic. I thanked him for his help and asked if he knew where Mike might be now. He didn’t – but he did have an old mobile phone number which I took down. I rang the mobile number which was in Australia too and left a message on an answer phone – which did not say ‘Mike, leave a message’ – but someone else’s name. This may be for a very good reason though.
Mrs Patel and I wait for the phone call, I make her and I a cup of tea and I sit with her. With the information I had about her state of mind I gently coaxed her to tell me what was going on. From her perspective at least. I was prepared to wait half an hour before expecting to have the phone call returned – naturally I’d prefer immediately, especially when it’s a message from the police.
“So when was the last time you actually heard from Mike?” I ask between a couple of sips of tea.
“He’s angry with me!” She exclaimed.
“That’s Ok, families squabble – but how long has he been angry with you for?”
She squeezes the paper cups’ rim flat between two worn-out looking fingers and twists the cup gently in her other hand – just going round and round the rim.
“I haven’t spoken to him in two years…” she drifts off and starts to tear up. “I had a dream that swords were stabbing him all over and I could feel the fear and the danger he was in. I need to help him – to warn him of this!” She kept looking at the cup and turning it. “He will die if I don’t find him and protect him! I need to – I’m his mother!”
My heart went out to her as I knew she truly believed her son was in danger.
“Is this why you came into the station to report him missing? I ask.
“Yes…” she nodded. “You will find him and I will be able to tell him, save him.” She gazed at me anxiously.
I take her hand from the cup and lightly hold her fingers, forcing her to make eye-contact with me and stop giving rim to the cup!
” Mrs Patel – who do you think would want to do this to him and why?”
“Well God, of course.” She seemed almost startled at the idea that I wouldn’t know that. I could see her change as she became incredibly suspicious and cautiously pulled her hand away.
“What makes you think God would want to do that to your son?” I ask openly.
“I messed with the TV aerial at home and was so angry with one of the other people that live there that I pee’d outside in the garden…”
I’m not often one lost for words but this time I coughed to make up some thinking time and had a sip of tea.
“Sorry Mrs Patel – excuse me…so you went to the toilet outside in the garden? And that is why God is going to hurt your son with swords?” I have to use a fair amount of question marks as that is what is grammatically correct but really these questions are used like statements – she’s nodding and confirming as I’m feeding her back her story so that I can understand what the hell she is talking about. That really is irrelevant but I realise I have a person here who is mentally ill and has quite possibly not taken her medications for who knows how long.
Short story long – apparently the television backed onto her room and made too much noise. Often it was late and it was always the same old fellow watching something too loudly as he was deaf. So when she asked him to turn the volume down so that she could go to sleep, he would tell her to fuck off and all sorts of other nasty stuff – and loudly, being deaf and all. So in order to get him back, after not having any luck and being called names, Mrs Patel took the TV aerial so that he couldn’t watch any programmes at all.
So the old fellow upped the anti and left the TV on with the white noise at it’s loudest and had been going to bed deaf as a doornail and at the other end of the residence where the men slept. Well Mrs Patel was furious and took a dump and so forth under the window of the old man and being summertime it certainly didn’t take more than a few times to get flies a-buzzing and a super high hum going under his window.
After, funnily enough, four days of this drama going on, Mrs Patel suffered severe guilt for her actions and believed God was going to strike her son dead. When I did track the son down eventually, I explained to him that I wouldn’t expose his whereabouts or phone number etc to his mother. She was very ill and he had been embarrassed too many times and lost too many jobs by allowing her into his life. I felt sorry for him too. It’s never easy living with mental health issues whether you are the one ill or the surrounding network of someone who is ill.
Well I had listened to her story, I knew her son just did not want anything to do with her. This wasn’t something that was going to be healed and she couldn’t expect a phone call on Wednesday at 2 pm or anything. Something else needed to change as the relationship between them both would not.
I asked her afterwards, ” How great do you think God is?”
“Oh God is greater than all things.” She said very confidently.
“Is he greater than man? Than a human being?”
“Of course – he made us, his is greater than everything put together, his love is greater – just everything.” She replied.
“So then tell me this, why would God have such a human spiteful nature to hurt your son – that spite or judgement is a human trait. God is far, far more loving than that. Another human being may feel like that if you do…you-know-what under his window – but God would never do that – he’s most probably chuckling at us having this conversation now.”
I smiled at her and she started to cry, I quickly put my tea down and gave her a hug. She clung to me like a limpet and had a good weep. I handed her tissues which didn’t really get used as much as my shirt. Finally she pulled away and wiping her sad brown eyes, she said to me, ” I have never thought of it that way before – of course God wouldn’t be that petty!” She had a watery smile on her face and gave me another hug. “Thank you , thank you so much!” She said delightedly.
“Now you just need to make friends with your house-mate I believe.” I winked at her.
I found out her carer’s name and tracked down which residence she worked in and she came in to pick up Mrs Patel. She was so grateful to find her safe and sound, she said that poor old Mrs Patel does this every now and again. Although we didn’t see her back – not while I was there anyway.

Coming up for air
I see our tangled underwear
Like two bodies closely entwined
like the curl on a peeled orange rind
Resting nested soft and quiet
in the stillness after the storms’ riot
Gentle and soft, a loving embrace
your cotton jocks and mine, which are lace
© Kait King, 2015

So, the understanding being
that I don’t have to explain myself
that the sky is blue
and life is just because
Now the problem is
that I don’t understand what it is
when you say what you do
when you can’t do it
But the over-lying factor
is the way in which we move
among the dead, the living
dance alone
And I ask myself the question
which life do I fit best in
while you smoke that cigarette
with a flare
© Kait King, 2015

Domestic violence
that Evil Beast
Thriving on hurt
when all you want
is Peace
Insecure person
always comparing in loss
Punching out your feeble Anger
But your Family pays the cost
Vulnerable? Were you
beaten yourself?
Shouldn’t you know better
than to put them through
this Hell?
Poor little person…
Is that what you want
them to think?
So here you stand at
a Crossroad
You can change all of this
in a Blink
Kait King 2017

I know I’ve never loved
anyone, anywhere
in any way even
close to the way
I love you
I’ve never hurt
anyone, anywhere
in any way
more than I’ve tortured
myself
about you
© Kait King, 2015

You stand there
not knowing what to do
you can’t believe the Police are here
surely this isn’t true?
A blue light spins around the room
you can see the body
shadowed by gloom
It’s all surreal, but what you had to do
If you hadn’t grabbed that knife
the body would be you
You look down at your shaking hands
oddly think about how free you are
to meet
your holiday plans
He can’t really be dead – why haven’t
they called an ambulance?
And again, you realize …
that you are here…
just by chance
© Kait King, 2016

You crush me
Yes, you’re bigger than me
You’d have to be blind not to see
that you’re twice the size of me
But I’m getting tired of being pushed around
I hate the way you always bring me down
Slutting yourself all over this town
And I lie here so crushed – so deep underground
© Kait King, 2016
He rolled her up
in the carpet
He tied her up
real tight
He threw her into
the trunk of
his car
And screeched out
into the night
He knows he must not
draw attention
He must slow down his breath
and calm
He drove around
for hours
With her body
in the back of
his car
Delusional or clear
of mind
It really didn’t
matter
He was clear enough
to clean up
the mess
And removed
all of her blood
he splattered
He contemplated water
He thought about the dump
He thought about a mountain top
He could make it look like
she jumped
As dawn approached,
a screaming light
His stomach started
to rumble
So he drove her through
the drive thru
And didn’t miss a beat
or fumble
A steady hand
held out dollar bills
But his eyes he kept downcast
Not a thought spared for
his wife in the trunk
The love that didn’t last
© Kait King, 2015

Would it not be reasonable to think that an individual who ‘requires’ a restraining order, is the type of individual who would break a restraining order?
Kait King 2017

I’m uncomfortably present
awkwardly, I’m here
Cleverly, you’ve trapped me
by playing on my fear
I don’t want to say yes
but something in me is sparked
and if I don’t say yes
I won’t have a heart
you’ll say to me
You’ll say to me
I don’t really love you
that I’m not really into it
and my love is not true
And yet that twist inside me
coils like a snake
ready to make me feel bad
making me ready to hate
myself
© Kait King, 2015

Meet me in the middle
and I’ll take you to the end
Tell me that you trust me
and I’ll let you be my friend
Promise me the world
and it’ll fall at your feet
Run the faster race
’cause it’s me you have to beat
Don’t believe in rumours
and they won’t control your life
Believe in what you want to be
and step into that light
© Kait King, 2015
Ashes to ashes
dust to dust
Love won’t last forever
anchored only in lust
Kisses for kisses
I forgive you your past
it’s the only way through
If you want us to last
© Kait King, 2015

What’s the difference
when it’s all the same
we go down this road
and come back again
Forgiven you, I haven’t
when it’s caused me
all this pain
and if you try to find me
I’ll fall back into you
again
© Kait King, 2015
If you can allow yourself
to love me baby
I’ll hold you, rock you,
Love you through every night
If you’re not scared to
show me baby
I’ll do my very best to make it
all right
But I feel you haven’t
let go baby
And it’s not really all
about me
You have to let your feelings
show baby
You have to love me or let me
be free
© Kait King, 2015

Mum says
they’re just jealous!
But it doesn’t
stop them
from treating me
like dirt
The teachers say
just stay away
which is easy
if I was invisible
or didn’t mind
getting hurt
© Kait King, 2015

She married him
when she was 23
and he was 37
She thought she’d met
Prince Charming
and he thought he’d gone
to Heaven
It didn’t take long tho’
for him to change
his song
And feel like he
was imprisoned
It happened so fast,
turned life on its arse –
she fell undeniably
and beautifully pregnant
She had her baby alone
while he drank and whored
in their home
No, it hadn’t been long
he was just bored
and it was just wrong
He had already been here
twice in his life
He had other children
and more than one wife
So with dignity
and as a lady
she took nothing
with her
just her baby
She didn’t want half
of the furniture
or a share of
the bling
She knew
she had kept
the most important thing
© Kait King, 2015

That’s a bad combination
A Lover who’s a Man
It doesn’t matter,
you see
’cause he’ll take it
if it’s free
Yeah…that’s a
bad combination
a Lover
who’s a Man
© Kait King, 2015
Pre-Occupancy
So nobody’s home
Just cardboard cut-outs
posed in my brain
Memories I can’t let go
Pre-Occupancy
A way to survive
Somehow to numb
the pain
Somehow to stay
the child
Pre-Occupancy
Merely a distraction
Something to hide
any connection
Anything to avoid
taking action
Pre-Occupancy
© Kait King, 2017
I know
what’s happening
to me
He’s found
his way
in
making me think
in love story
lines
making butterflies
deep inside
me
and a sickness
I cannot recover
from
© Kait King, 2015
Jealousy
Please leave me
Let me walk free
from your grasp
Honesty
Please fill me
Set my words free
with that trust
Stupidity
Please abandon me
Let me hear twice but speak
with one voice
Integrity
Please empower me
Take over my mind and body
to make the right choice
©Kait King 2017
I’m quite happy being a Woman
I don’t want to be a Man
I don’t want to scratch my nuts
or take out the trash can
I don’t understand the confusion
about the Man and Woman sequel
Of course we are very Different
Different, but still very Equal
I am proud to be the Carer
The Fantastical Giver of Life
the gentle softness of
a safe place to fall
When you return from
a hard days’ fight
My Man, the strong Protector
The Bringer of that Life
who will be Honoured to care for me Truly
and with Pride
would call me his Wife
© Kait King, 2015
It’s like
an unsticky web
how things
fall into my
head
Nothing ever
really gets
filtered out
Thoughts are
thrown at me
in a shout
Yeah, it is
pretty clear
something’s going
on here
Each inky
black thought
casting
immeasurable doubt
It even surprises
me
with the words
that I spout
Who wrote
those things?
Evil awful
creepings
Friends ask
Where on Earth
did you find
this out?
Why would
you write such
horrid things?
It gives pause
for thought
and doubt
© Kait King, 2016
She didn’t want to know,
y’know
She didn’t want
to see
Her man had been
behind her back
creepy
creep
creeping
Another in denial,
sat
She really couldn’t
believe
He really couldn’t
have done that
creepy
creep
creeping
Your heart
is not safe
it says
your children
are in danger
the man you thought
was ‘dad’ material
turns out to be
that stranger…
creepy
creep
creeping
© Kait King, 2016
Pretty Girl
With a trail of heartbreak
Pretty Girl
Chances they all take
Pretty Girl
If not for their own sakes
what will it really take
Pretty Girl
Now
Lonely Girl
Why’d you give it all?
Lonely Girl
Was it far to fall?
Lonely Girl
Leaving hearts so small
If you have a heart at all
Oh Pretty Lonely Girl
© Kait King, 2015
Wild animal
– resonate in me
Violent Love
Tender Brutality
Snake, lion,
tiger or sheep
– Passionate,
almost Violent Love,
to: shy,
submissive,
meek
Only 50 shades of grey?
That is what I
want to say
– That Hollywood crap
you can keep…
© Kait King, 2017

Oh what to do
when someone
cheats on you
Oh what to say
that even though –
you want them to stay
And how do you choose
how you want to lose –
you know he knows
he’s won –
and he’s already started
and nowhere
near
done
© Kait King, 2016